the perfect dog

"I DON'T want a big dog.  Cecil is the perfect dog.  I just *sigh* ... I NEED. HIM. BACK!"

My almost eight year-old son's face, mere inches from mine and shrouded in utmost seriousness, commanded my attention.  His eyes wide, locked on mine, bravely held back tears. His monologue plea was slow and deliberate... with borderline staccato speech ... every word calculated to count, his mind meticulously grinding out thoughts in words that had been silently churning for a while.

And, once again... this little man broke my heart.

Raising a kid with intellectual and learning disabilities can be heart-wrenching.  My Ben is pretty high functioning, as IDIC 15 goes.  But, he struggles in a lot of ways.  He seems to learn in bits and pieces, but the pieces aren't always complete and they don't always fit together.  I sometimes picture information in his mind like a collection of jigsaw puzzle pieces that are not all from the same puzzle.  Through no fault of his own, his attempts to fit them together often fall short of what is needed to keep up with the world around him and his understanding of that world is sometimes partial and incomplete or skewed.

When we made the decision to rehome Cecil (the dog I agreed to get him for his 7th birthday), Jen and I explained it to him as best we could.  I wasn't convinced that he completely understood, and there was some push back from him, but  much less than I expected.  He definitely loved Cecil, but he had made it clear numerous times that he preferred a bigger dog... and it seemed clear to us that a bigger dog would be more compatible with his disabilities.

Rehoming Cecil went relatively smooth for Ben... almost too smooth.

Fast forward a few months... I was leaving my parent's home one evening a few weeks ago.  I had Ben with me and Cecil (now Billy) was out with his humans (my parent's neighbors).  I figured it would be a good time to let Ben visit Cecil, so we pulled in the driveway.  Ben was excited to see him-- too excited, really-- which confirmed our reasons for rehoming the dog.

A few days later, Jen randomly took Ben to see The Secret Life of Pets, which she said had some themes she was not impressed with... especially for Ben.

It seems those two events shook some emotions loose for Ben.

From what I gathered from this plea for his dog, it seemed he was blaming himself for Cecil needing to go away.  It seemed that he thought his preference for bigger dogs caused Cecil to be rejected by our family.  I think he felt like he let Cecil down.  He was passionately trying to make an appeal for Cecil with the premise that he is the perfect dog and he really doesn't want a big dog.  He had a quarter in each hand and he was telling me he was going to "give some coins to her [Cecil's new humans] and she can buy her own dog" because Cecil is his.

I hugged the little guy and buried my face in his hair, holding back tears of my own.  My heart hurt.  I just wanted to take his disabilities and struggles away.  I wanted to make the world make sense to him.  I wanted so bad to fix it.

In a feeble way, I tried again to explain to him...

But, I'm pretty sure I let him down.

I couldn't quite make him understand.

I couldn't fix it.

I couldn't bring his dog back.

And... I can't fix broken hearts... or intellectual disabilities... or genetic disorders...

For the rest of that day (and a few days after), I was in a funk.  What kind of Dad gets his intellectually disabled son a dog and then takes it away?  What kind of Dad breaks his son's heart like that?

And, why does there have to be such a thing as IDIC 15?  Why my son?

That same evening, I was angry that my son was hurting and I made this post to facebook:

It is hard to watch someone you love struggle in some of the ways that Ben does.  It is hard to know that he will struggle his entire life.  And, it is hard to know that you can help him through the struggles the best you can, but you can never take them away.

I still believe trying a dog for him was a good parent moment.  And, I also still believe rehoming the dog was the right parent decision.

But why does loving this kid so much have to hurt like it sometimes does?

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Author's note:  I had a difficult time putting this post together, but I am happy to report that in the past weeks he seems to have pretty quickly bounced back from being upset about Cecil.  He is a happy kid and it might have bothered me a lot more than it actually bothered him.  He talks about him on occasion, but it is more of a passing comment like before the visit.  

But, who knows what is rattling around in his mind and what will shake it loose?  I'm thinking maybe visiting Cecil is not the best thing for Ben... we'll see how things go from here.

I'm not sure how or when, but I'm thinking the subject of a dog for Ben is not closed.  He's still a kid that would benefit from the right dog.  However, a dog is a hard fit for our family dynamics and I know I will be afraid of risking my son's heart... again.

And... if Cecil [Billy]'s humans read this blog, do not feel bad... you gave a good dog a great home and I say thank you for loving our Cecil!

doggone

Once upon a time there was a boy...

The boy loved dogs and wanted to be near every dog he saw.  Almost every day for a long, long time he asked for a dog of his own.

His mom liked dogs and wanted the boy to have a dog.  Both the boy and his mom tried to talk his dad into getting the boy a dog of his own.

The boy had an older sister.  She also liked dogs and offered to help care for the boy's dog if he were given one.

Because of special needs, his mom said a dog would be good for the boy.  "He feels like a kid who is not complete without a dog", she said.  His dad agreed.

His dad was curious about dogs and wondered why people who have dogs seem to love them so much.  He thought about getting the boy a dog of his own.

But his dad did not like dogs and did not want a dog in the house.

---

Finally, his dad decided that he loved the boy very much and he wanted him to have a dog of his very own.  His dad talked to his mom and they decided to visit some puppies.

One Saturday, near the boy's seventh birthday, the family took a drive to a farm where a puppy lived.  The boy fell in love with the puppy and his mom and sister liked him too.

The boy had two older brothers who had not wanted a dog.  But the brothers, especially the oldest, liked the puppy and also voted to bring him home.

His mom and dad wished the boy a happy birthday and told him he could have his very own dog.  The boy hugged the puppy and was very happy.

The farmer had called the puppy, Cecil.  The family brought the puppy home and tried to decide what they would call him.  "His name... is CECIL!", the boy said.  And so it was.

The puppy was a good puppy and worked hard to grow into a good dog.  He loved his humans and became a part of their family and always tried to please them.

The boy loved his dog and giggled when the dog covered him with kisses.  His sister kept her promise and helped take care of the boy's dog.

Because his sister spent so much time caring for the boy's dog, she and the dog became very close.  His sister loved the dog very much.

His dad, who did not like dogs and did not want a dog in the house, started to like being greeted by a wagging tail after work and took the dog on walks and sat with the dog in the evenings.

---

But, the boy sometimes scared the dog, because he was too excited by him.  The boy loved the dog and did not mean to scare him.

The dog was very patient with the boy, but sometimes the dog nipped at the boy when he was scared.  The dog loved the boy and was not trying to be mean.

His mom talked to his dad because she was afraid the boy or the dog would get hurt.  The boy could not understand how to be gentle with the small dog.

Even though he agreed that it might need to be done, his dad did not want to take the boy's very own dog from him, so he tried to see if time would make it better.

Finally, his dad decided it must be done and his dad and his mom started asking their friends if anyone wanted a dog of their very own.

The boy did not want his dog to leave.  He told his dad he would go get his dog back and he would even pay fifty-five dollars for him.  His dad was sad, but knew it must be done.

A retired couple had been looking for a dog of their very own and asked if the dog could come to visit.  The dog went to their house and they decided they never wanted him to leave.

This made the boy's sister very, very sad, because she loved the boy's dog very much.  His sister cried and cried when the boy's dog left, and his dad cried with the boy's sister because the dad hates making kids sad.

His dad visited the boy's dog a week later and the dog was very happy in his new home.  The dog's new humans told the family they could visit the boy's dog anytime they wanted, which made them happy.

His dad was sure that it was the right thing to do for the boy and his dog, and he was sure that the dog would live happily ever after.

But the doggone dog had gone and changed how the boy's dad thought about dogs...

For his dad... who did not like dogs and did not want a dog in the house... missed the dog and wished he had the dog in the house.