nine years

Nine years.

That's how long it has been since Lily became a part of our family.

Ten years.

That's how long a "green card" is valid.

When we brought Lily home, the normal process was that children became official citizens when they were processed through the first airport on American soil.  Except when only one of two parents traveled with the child (as was our case).  Nope... then the US government required re-adoption in the local court to become a citizen, followed by filing for a certificate to officially recognize the citizenship.

More forms.

More documents.

More fees.

More bureaucracy.

Within a few months, we had re-adopted Lily through our county court, and she became an official US citizen.

Or was she?

Not in the eyes of Homeland Security.  To them, because she lacked one piece of paper, she was still a legal alien in country on a green card.

But, being exhausted from the overwhelming loads of forms, documents, fees, and bureaucracy, we said, "we'll file for that certificate soon..."

Soon turned into eight and a half years.  Not on purpose.  It just kinda flew by... and by... and by... and...

Crap!  Green card expires in a year and a half!

Since Jen did nearly all the paper chasing for the adoption process, I assumed she would also take the lead on this one, too.  However, for the past three years, her load has been increasing because of attending school.  Last winter, I decided this needed done soon and I needed to tackle it (partly fueled by an upcoming DOUBLING of the filing fee, compliments of the US Government).  I got the forms, read the guides and compiled the necessary paperwork (with help from Jen to locate some of them).  I stressed over it a while (the bureaucratic instructions for submission were not very clear) and was finally satisfied that I completed it correctly.  I had Jen give it a once-over and out in registered mail it went one December day.  I received confirmation of receipt and then we waited... and waited... and waited...

The wheels of bureaucracy turn slowly.

Finally, a few weeks ago I received a letter stating that Lily and I were required to be at the USCIS office in Cleveland on June 20th for a citizenship interview.

Fortunately, I had that week off.

Unfortunately, I had plans for the week.

Thankfully, it was not the week of our beach vacation.  I was able to rearrange my week and did not have to cancel plans.

I'm not a big fan of larger cities.  I have always avoided Cleveland.  But, I figured since we had to be there anyway, we may as well make a day of it. We paid parking for the day, and spent the day seeing some local landmarks, eating lunch from a food truck on Public Square, taking a cruise on the Goodtime III... oh yeah, and visiting the USCIC office!

I was glad I got to share this day with Lily and I had a lot of fun spending the day with Homeland Security's newest officially recognized US citizen!

Not sure why Cleveland has a giant "FREE" stamp, but we do!

Beautiful girl and a beautiful skyline

Love this pic... and not just because I have hair again!

Officially a US citizen!

Food truck lunch on Public Square

When dairy farmers graffiti the city?

Federal Reserve Bank of Cleveland

A side story involving Ben...

When I was filling out the forms to apply for the certificate, Lily and I had a conversation about green cards and her status with Homeland Security as a legal "alien".  Ben was taking all this in and when there was a pause in the conversation, he looked at Lily and (very seriously) asked, "Did you know E.T.?"

coming home!

I write very little specifically about adoption these days.  No particular reason.  I mostly just write about Lily as my daughter, rather than accentuating the fact that she is adopted. 

I am still an advocate for adoption when I have opportunity, however, and I enjoy hearing and reading adoption stories.  I am pretty sure many, if not most, of the adoptive parents with which I associate have a hope that their adoptive story and experience would be a positive influence in seeing other children adopted into loving families.  I know I had this hope when I was writing my blog posts surrounding the adoption of our daughter.  I passionately wrote the emotions of the experience, and I hoped to someday hear someone say "Lily's story inspired us to become adoptive parents."

That is why I was very excited to receive an email from Kelly (a college friend... who has the same useless degree as me), a little over a year ago, that asked questions about adoption as her and her husband, Jeff, were exploring the many adoption options and praying about whether it was the right step for their family.  It really came as no surprise to me... for some reason I thought at the time we adopted Lily that of all the people I know, I could totally see Kelly and Jeff adopting a child.

I was very excited when I later received the email that said that they had decided to move forward with adoption and that they, too, were drawn to the children of China.  I was also very humbled to hear them attribute my blog posts, penned at to China, for Lily, for being one of their big inspirations.  I hesitate to say that, because it sounds vain of me, but Kelly publicly credited my blog in a recent post of hers, so she said it, not me!  Wow, there it was... what I had hoped to hear... "Lily's story inspired us to become adoptive parents!"

Kelly and Jeff are packing and will be in China to meet their son, Matthew, before month's end!  You can read their story and follow them to China at their blog, Car Keys, Footballs & China.

I am looking forward to meeting Matthew at some point when he gets settled in and I am very honored to play a small part in this adoption story.  Best wishes to Jeff, Kelly, Shelby and Robbie as you welcome your son and brother, and prayers for safe travel!

Lily deja vu

Grilling burgers back at the garage yesterday, I had one of those deja vu experiences.  It was just myself and Lily outside, and she was talking my ear off about something, when Jen poked her head out the kitchen door and asked Lily to come and get some cheese for me.  Without a thought, Lily bounded out of her lawn chair, ran to the house, grabbed the cheese slices for my burgers, ran back to the garage, handed them to me, and plopped back into her lawn chair. 

That same scene happened nearly three years ago, when Lily and I were out at the garage grilling burgers... well, it prompted the post titled "Chinglish to cheese" and to get the full deja vu experience, you'll have to click the link and go re-read that one.  Needless to say, you've come a long way, Lily-girl!

three years ago

Happy Family Day, Lily!

Three years ago, today, I stood in the Civil Affairs office in Guangzhou, China, with two other American families from A Helping Hand Adoption Agency, and several other families I did not know, from various countries... nervously awaiting the moment my name would be called to meet Xiao Xiao, my then-three-year-old daughter, for the first time.

Although probably for different reasons, we both cried.  It was a day I hope I never forget!

June 30, 2008

June 2011

Dear Lily,

You are an amazing little girl with a smile that melts hearts.  I admire your determination and your ability to do anything you set your mind to.  You are very brave, and you face challenges with a great attitude.

The journey of adoption that brought us together was, and continues to be, an amazing adventure.  I love you very much and I am glad God placed you in our family and allowed me to be your Daddy. 

This is a day that holds very special memories for me.  Happy Family Day, Lily Xiao Xiao!  You're my favorite Lily in the whole world!

Love,  Daddy

an opportunity

I am hesitant to use my blog "commercially".  Yes, with internet ads everywhere, now even bloggers can put ads on their blogs to generate income.  Slightly tempting, but I don't think I have enough readers to make it profitable, it would change the whole atmosphere of my blog, and I like having total control of what appears on "my" page.

Nonetheless, here is a "commercial", of sorts.

I met an adoptive mom in my travel group, when I went to China to pick up Lily, who had also adopted a little girl.  We have since maintained a friendship through blogging and facebook.  Her and her husband have felt the call to a second adoption, and have recently been matched with a special needs little boy.

I can attest to the fact that there are many bureaucratic costs associated with completing an adoption, and many families (like ours) try to find creative and tactful ways to raise funds to offset some of those costs.

I wish I could link you to some of her blogs, but because bloggers sometimes struggle with privacy issues, she has made the difficult decision to make her blogs private.  So, if you decide to help her out, you'll just have to trust me on this one!

Here's what they are doing... and I wish I had thought of it.  I think it's one of the simplest and most creative ideas I have heard in the world of adoption fundraising.  They have purchased a 500 piece puzzle of China's Great Wall, and they are selling puzzle pieces, through PayPal, for $10 each.  With your donation, you can dedicate that piece (or pieces) of their adoption journey in the name of your choice.  They will write that name on the puzzle piece, and create a treasured family heirloom representing the people who helped to bring their son home.  Awesome idea, huh?

Would you care to help?  I believe in this family and this effort, and I purchased 6 pieces... one for each member of my family.  If generosity or giving was a part of your New Year's resolutions, here's an opportunity.  If you would like to help this family, send an email message to (goneartoorphans(at)gmail(dot)com) with dedication names and ask for a link to the secure PayPal site.  Tell 'em Backside of Forty sent ya!  Thanks for considering this cause.

another child home

For those of you with an interest in orphans, adoption or China, here is the blog of a family that I met in my China travel group in 2008.  They arrived back in China yesterday to complete their second adoption, bringing them (for now, anyway) to a family of seven.

have you considered...

Have you considered... over 130 million children worldwide have lost one or both parents?*

Have you considered... at least 16.2 million children worldwide have lost both parents?*

Have you considered... every 18 seconds another child becomes an orphan, without a mother or father?*

Have you considered... every 14 seconds a child loses a parent due to AIDS?*

Have you considered... it's not their fault?

Have you considered... what you can do?

"I am only one, but still I am one.  I  cannot do everything, but still I can do something;  and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do."  --Helen Keller

Lily recently talked to me about being an orphan and I asked her what "orphan" means.  Her reply:  "It mean you not a family.  You all alone."

November is National Adoption Month... have you considered?

(*statistics copied from http://www.showhope.org/Resources/TheNeed.aspx where specific sources are cited.)

AMERICAN!

This morning was our hearing in probate court for the re-finalization of Lily's adoption. For many international adoptive families, this is a desired step to obtain adoption decrees in English and an American birth certificate. In our case, it held much more significance. Since I traveled alone to bring Lily home from China, she did not obtain her citizenship upon arriving in America, like a majority of her peers. We were required to re-adopt her in our county court to fulfill the requirements for her citizenship. Because our county requires a child to live in the home for at least a year prior to filing a petition to finalize an adoption, today was finally Lily's day in court. So, although the adoption was finalized in China, today was the final requirement to officially re-affirm that Lily is our legal daughter, and to officially change her name. AND... today she is finally an official, flag-waving, red-white-and-blue American citizen! (Although we still have to file a long list of documents and pay yet another fee to the Department of Homeland Security to obtain a certificate to prove it. Can't anything bureaucratic ever be simple?) Congratulations, Lily!

family photo with the judge

Lily in the power chair!

One year ago...

It is hard to believe, but on this day, one year ago, I was on the other side of the globe where I met and held my daughter for the first time. I was nervous, she was frightened, but brave. It is a day I will cherish in the same way that I cherish the days I was present at the birth of my sons.
Lily, I am so blessed that God brought you into our lives. I wish that I could have been with you on this special day. You are my favorite Lily in the whole world. I love you! --Daddy

good week for adoption

This past week was an exciting one for adoption. Within my sphere of friends, two children and two families took one step closer to becoming forever united. My friend Bonita and her husband had their homestudy for an adoption through the State of Georgia foster system, and my blogger friend Tami and her family were matched with their daughter in China, who is a miraculous answer to prayer.

the rest of the story...

As I was wrapping up last night's post and heading to bed, I realized that the birthday story was not quite complete. I thought about how joyous it was for us to celebrate January 16th, but I was also saddened to think that half a world away is a young woman, who I will never know, for whom this day is probably not so joyous. That young woman was present the moment our daughter took her first breath. That young woman gave life to our daughter.

When I say "our daughter", perhaps you think I am referring to Jen and myself. Actually, I was not. You see, in a strange sort of way, this significant day is shared with this unknown birth mother, for whom a great debt is owed. For it was she who chose life for this little girl.

I must admit that I cannot pretend to know how how she feels. I can only speculate. But, I believe that many birth mothers do not easily make these decisions. I believe that, in a way I will never be able to understand, they make gut-wrenching decisions, believing they are making a loving and good choice for their child. If you have trouble wrapping your mind around that, remember that each child is conceived against a unique backdrop of circumstances, relationships, cultures, religions, economics, and politics; and, until you or I have walked a mile. . . or two. . . or three, in their shoes, I for one, am not qualified to judge the decision they make.

I can only assume that Lily's China Mama loved her very much. I will not go into detail, but what little bit of insight I can gain about her, through the details of Lily's "finding", causes me to believe that my assumption is correct. I believe that somewhere in China is a woman who is haunted by the little girl she held for such a brief period. I believe she often wonders, "... where is she now. . . is she loved. . . did I make the right choice?". . . and on and on the questions roll. And, I also believe that while I celebrate the day of her birth, another probably grieves for the memories that this day brings. And, knowing I am in some cosmic way connected to this woman, I found myself grieving for her and wishing she could know that her sweet girl is loved.

She is not alone. There are millions just like her. And they are not all birth mothers. Certainly there are birth fathers in many of these scenarios that grieve, as well. And it doesn't even stop there. . . there are siblings and grandparents that are affected by hard choices. And there is nothing that you or I can really do about it. . . but to love the children that are caught in the wake of these decisions.

And, so, to these unknown birth parents I say, "I know you made some very difficult choices, but I thank you for making the choice to give life to my daughter. Rest assured, she is loved."

half a year... half a world ago

I was reminded by reading the blogs of some of my travel friends, that today is the six month anniversary of meeting Lily. I considered not posting about this, because it seems that I don't make such a big deal about monthly milestones of my other kids. But, the milestone is significant because it still, many times, seems unbelievable that six months ago I was on the other side of the world, meeting my 3 year old daughter for the first time. Sometimes the experience seems like a dream, yet the proof that it was not sleeps in the next room, as I write this.

June 30, 2008 - December 25 2008

Lily,

There are a handful of days of my life that I never want to forget... and June 30, 2008 is one of them. You're my favorite Lily in the WHOLE world, and I love being your Baba!

Love, Daddy

Home for Christmas

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, from our home to yours. I hope you have a safe holiday season, and that you are able to celebrate with ones you love. I hope, too, that you have the greatest Christmas gift possible. . . Jesus Christ!


Here is a picture of the kids with our "Charlie Brown" tree. We are a little tight on space with our remodeling and the addition of two more kids, one with lots of baby gear, so we didn't put up a full sized tree this year. We actually really like our simple pencil tree, though.

A tradition that I started when Dylan was born, is to make an ornament that is significant for each kid every year. Well, almost every year. . . I missed a few. We skipped the bulbs and beads on this tree, and just used the sentimental ornaments this year. I was very emotional when I pulled out the one that we put on the tree last year, in honor of Longxiao, our future daughter. What a blessing to have Lily home this Christmas, to place that significant ornament on the tree, in person. And, her little brother is here, as well. . . a blessing we knew nothing about last Christmas.

I saw this video on another blog recently. I know it features China, but how wonderful it is to think of all the children of the world, adopted in 2008, that are home for Christmas this year. And yet, I can't help but feel a twinge of sadness for all the children who have no home for Christmas this year.

Merry Christmas! Jeff and Jenny; Dylan, Zachary, Lily, and Ben

distant greetings

What is the most distant holiday greeting you have received? We were surprised to find this card all the way from Shenzhen, China, in our mail box today. It is to Lily and our family, from the orphanage where she lived.

turkey bottom ba-by poo

Topic #1: A friend gave Ben this very cute Thanksgiving outfit. It had a turkey on the front, a turkey on the bib, and even a turkey on the butt! He was a well dressed guy for the holiday.

Topic #2: This afternoon, I was upstairs on the computer and the rest of the family was downstairs while Jen made dinner. Lily came upstairs and told me, "ba-by PPPFFFTTTT poo. di-per chain." I said, "baby pooped and needs his diaper changed?" Lily said, "yeah." I told her I would be there in a minute. I took a little too long and she returned and told me, "ba-by poo moy." I said, "baby pooped more?" She said, "yeah."

I went downstairs and told Jen about our conversation (while I changed the baby), and she confirmed that she had sent her upstairs to relay this message. I think this is one of our longest, most successfully understood, complete English conversations, to date. It was exciting!

still November...

Here's another emotional video to wrap up National Adoption Awareness Month!

Could it be you?

I just read about these children on Cara's blog. These are healthy children that are available for adoption. They are age 13, which puts them at great risk of "aging out" at 14, if not placed SOON! The future outlook for orphans aging out of the system is not extremely positive. Much is being done to expedite these adoptions, including significant financial assistance. Adopting older children has unique challenges, but great rewards, as well (I speak not from my experience, but testimonies of others). If you have ever considered adopting an older child, or if your children are grown or nearly grown and you are not ready to be "empty nesters" just yet, won't you pray about these possibilities? Pass this link on to others who might be interested... let's see if we can't get these kids home soon!

Margin

Two subjects of interest to me are adoption and finances. Because I am both an adoptive parent and a volunteer budget coach (www.crown.org), I want to respond to something I have heard numerous times in regards to adoption, involving both subjects. More than once, I've heard people say something like, "We'd like to do that, but we just can't afford it". I, too, initially thought that, but I know that, within reason, most of us can afford to do what is really important to us.

First, let me dispel a rumor about adoption costs. Most people think adoption is "expensive". It really is not... it's the bureaucracy that is costly. But, since you can't get through it without the bureaucracy, it can become a costly process. This is not a reason to just dismiss the possibilities, though. Very early in the process, I was also in the "we just can't afford it" camp. And, even still there are expenses yet to be covered, which stresses me out... but my daughter is priceless!

If the "we'd like to do that" part is more than just talk, there are many routes that can be considered to help with the sting of adoption expenses. First of all, there are thousands of available children in the US foster care system that are available for adoption. Most of these adoptions are state expedited and have very few bureaucratic expenses. Outside of that, there are many organizations that offer grants for adoption expenses. There are some individuals who are opposed to adoption fundraising, and I respect their opinion; but I say, as long as it's tasteful, won't someday embarrass your future son or daughter, and that's what it takes to get kids in loving homes... go for it! Adoptive parents come up with some very creative and fun ideas to help get their kiddos home.

Lastly, I want to pull in my budgeting background. I may be stepping on some toes here, but I'll try to tread lightly! I believe many families cannot afford to adopt because they live a lifestyle that pushes them to the financial edge. America is a very debt-driven country. (We are feeling a lot of the effects of that with the recent economic fractures.) So many Americans are frantically working like a hamster on a wheel to fund a mortgaged, leased, and loaned lifestyle, without any sense of margin. Margin is what can allow the wiggle room for a financial course correction to fund such things as adoption. It is a sense of living BELOW your means-- a concept foreign to many. I firmly believe that if more families lived a more "old fashioned" financial lifestyle... more savings to pay for things up front, less debt, and more contentment with a modest lifestyle... that more families would have the margin to be able to adopt if the desire is there. Just my opinion...

beauty in broken things

The other night, as I was traveling through some random adoptive blog links, I happened upon a blog titled, "Sea Glass and Jade". It is the blog of a China-adoption-in-progress family that lives in a coastal area, where they are collectors of sea glass (bits of glass, frosted and worn smooth by the surf; also called beach glass). Finding their blog reminded me of a story that I have thought about recording several times, but have avoided. It is a great story, but I hesitate to share it, because it is a rare epiphany moment that is not characteristic of my life. Nevertheless, here's the story:

the background:
The summers of '05, '06, and '07 (before our lives got so crazy) we were blessed to spend a week of vacation on the beaches of the Outer Banks of North Carolina (we love OBX!). The first year, while looking for nice shells, I accidentally stumbled upon my first piece of beach glass. I was hooked. Thereafter, instead of looking for the perfect shell, I scoured the beach, looking for these shiny bits of trash-turned-treasure.

the decision:
In May of '07, after wrestling with the adoption question for about a year, we found a little girl among China's special needs children that launched us into the adoption process. We frantically began our paperwork, trying to beat the initial deadlines to be considered for her. However, the process ended as quickly as it started, as a life event arose that seemed as though it would make an adoption from China only remotely possible in the distant future, if at all. This was very confusing, as we were convinced that the Lord had lead us in this direction.

the struggle:
In June of '07, we went on our planned trip to OBX. For me, this trip was more a time of restlessness and soul-searching, than it was relaxing. Although I spent much time with my family, I found myself wanting to spend time by myself on the beach more than other years. I was wrestling with God over whether I misunderstood, or if I just made a decision based purely on emotions. It was a unanimous family decision, but had I mislead my family? I am not normally a very decisive decision maker. I have struggled most of my adult life with determining the mysteries of God's plan for my life... but adoption was different. I had never been so sure about a decision in my life. I was sure we were supposed to adopt. I was sure it was supposed to be a child from China. And, I was almost sure it was to be a special needs adoption. Yet, the door seemed closed with few human options for opening it.

the story gets good:
As I walked along the edge of the surf, head down, eyes straining to catch the sun glinting off a piece of beach glass, the thought occurred to me that this search was a bit of a parallel to my desires for adoption. The phrase kept coming to me: "beauty in broken things". All around me were beach combers in search of the perfect shell, while my desire was for something that, although beautiful to me, was broken, discarded, and overlooked by most others. I am trying to write this tactfully, without sounding demeaning; but, is this not a picture of the orphaned child, especially those with special needs? They are often broken, discarded, abused, abandoned, or overlooked by most. So, I searched for glass, I turned the phrase over and over in my mind, and I wrestled with the orphan/adoption dilemma: why so many others could, but wouldn't; yet, I would, but it appeared that I couldn't.

the story gets better:
Dylan sometime hunts for beach glass with me. He rarely finds any and gets frustrated easily, because he has difficulty training his eyes to spot the lone piece of glass among the vastness of sand, gravel, and broken shells. The routine is as follows: Dylan: (picking up a bit of colored shell) "Is this a piece, Dad?" Dad: "Nope, that's a broken shell, but keep looking." Toward the end of the week of vacation, Dylan and I were looking for glass, when he picked up a plain white object with smooth edges and a slight curve. He asked me about it and I dismissed it as just another piece of broken shell. As he dropped it, it flipped over and my eye caught an interesting pattern of color on the other side. I picked it up and discovered that it actually wasn't a broken shell, but that it was a piece of the rim of a broken dinner plate. I saw that the pattern of color was a part of the plate's design that had not yet been erased by the surf. What I actually saw in the pattern, though, startled me. Well preserved in blue against white, was a depiction of a small structure and the architecture was characteristic of China! It wasn't an audible voice, but at that very moment, I sensed in my spirit that God had washed up that very specific piece of pottery, in that precise spot on the miles of coastline, for Dylan to find for me. (He can do things like that, you know!) It was as if God used this broken, discarded piece of pottery to confirm to me, "Yes, there is beauty in broken things and I know you cannot see how, but you will adopt a special needs child from China." I have never before or since experienced anything like this.

the bad before good:
I don't wish to go into specifics, but a few months later, another very unforseen life event occured that now made a Chinese adoption possible, once again. While I wish that I could say that this is the happy ending, we aren't there yet. The way in which this occurred was very difficult, and required us to draw more strength from God. I am sure there were many lessons in this whole experience, and I am also sure that many of these lessons are yet to be absorbed.

the happy ending:
In September of '07, we found another little girl among the special needs children of China. She is now our daughter. She is not broken... but she is beautiful!

Adoption bulletin!

I've commented before that I enjoy listening to the Chris Fabry Live radio show. It is an hour long call-in Christian talk radio show on our local Moody affiliate station (airing at 3 PM EST). Chris welcomes topic suggestions from listeners, and he sometimes follows up on those suggestions. A few weeks ago, I contacted Chris and informed him that November is National Adoption Awareness Month. I commented how so many of the radio programs about adoption feature celebrities. Although I appreciate celebrities speaking out on adoption, I don't want average families to get the impression that adoption is mostly for celebrities. I suggested that he have a program about all aspects of adoption (impossible to cover in one hour, I know) and feature some of the incredible adoption testimonies of "average" families. I also suggested featuring Natalie Gillespie, author of Successful Adoption, a Guide for Christian Families, as a possible guest co-host.

Chris liked the idea and has been working to put the program together. He doesn't schedule programs too far ahead, so I asked him to give me a "heads up" when it is upcoming. I just got an email from him saying that he is almost sure the program will be tomorrow (Thursday 11/13). Hopefully you can tune in! Check your local Moody radio listing or listen live at 3 PM EST at http://www.chrisfabrylive.org/.

Pass the word along, fellow adoptive bloggers!