How's your car-acter?

I have recently heard it suggested that character is somewhat linked to the vehicle you drive. More specifically, the character of your parenting is proportionate to the vehicle in which you choose to transport your kids.

Hmmm... if that is true, then I wonder what this says about me and my older, high mileage car?

I've been devoid of blog fodder for months, and sometimes l just need to write something... if for no other reason than the exercise of writing. This post may be just an exercise in writing... or not.  You decide...

'Tis a tale of two cars...

One of the best guys I know drives himself and his children in an older, high mileage car similar to this:

This is a fella who has become a solid friend to me... alas, like a brother to me. He has helped pull me through some difficult times and listens with an unbiased ear... which is a rare and valued car-acter trait. This is a man who loves his kids and loves his wife.  He is respected by his employer, co-workers and friends. Despite his "questionable" choice in family vehicles, I'd vouch for him any day as a solid parent and a man of car-acter.

By contrast, one of the sleaziest guys I know drives himself and his children in a late model, low mileage car similar to this:

Obviously, by his choice in cars, he is a man of car-acter who values family and safety of the ones he loves, right? Of course, it also shows that he cares about the safety of his mistress, if he ever were to transport her (or them, whatever may be the case).  Wait? WHAT? Yeah, this is a man who used to be a friend until, during one of our last conversations, he admitted to secretly having a mistress to survive his miserable life (that outwardly appears artificially near-perfect). No... unfortunately, he wasn't joking. His advice to help me through some difficult times was to do the same... find a mistress to soothe the rough edges of life. Despite his "excellent" choice in family vehicles, I'd vouch for him any day as a fraud to his kids and a man of NO car-acter.

A tale of two cars... seems to suggest that character and quality parenting have little to do with the vehicle in which you drive your family and a lot more to do with how that vehicle factors into managing finances and supporting those you love. So, if anyone is going to judge character by what is parked in a garage, then have at it. I don't have time to worry about such things!  

Now, excuse me while I put a wrap on this blog fodder and locate a muffler shop... yeah, mine's about to fall off!

mancation

Last week I did something wild and crazy!

Well... for me, anyway.

But, to tell that story, I have to back up to October 11, 2008.  Yep, that's where this trip began.

Backside of Forty went online August 14, 2008 with a single post (Welcome to "UNTITLED") and a link from my short-term Chinese adoption travel blog, titled To China, For Lily.  In those days, I had a few more readers and a few more comments (and a few more frequents posts) than BoF enjoys now, the majority coming from two categories: 1) friends and relatives; and, 2) having recently completed the adoption of our daughter, those somehow connected to what is known as the "adoption community".  It was rare for comments to show up from strangers unassociated with the adoption community...

...until October 11, 2008.

On that date, an email message indicated that I had received a comment to the post, Great movie!, from a fellow blogger who called himself "The Father of Five" (who we later figured out stumbled onto my blog in a list of blogs with "fatherhood" as an interest).  I clicked on the link to the comment, and this is what he had to say:

 

Intrigued by this Father of Five character, I clicked the link to his profile and found that he was a family guy, a blogger and an outdoorsman from Minnesota.  I further clicked on the link to his blog, read a few posts, and found the "flavor" of his blog similar to mine.  However, since my family had just completed the adoption of our daughter from China, I already had a fairly extensive adoption blog reading list.  While The Father of Five seemed like a decent guy, I did not put him in my reading list, and dismissed him as someone who stumbled upon my blog, commented, and would never cross my path again.

 

And so it was, for about three months, until he showed up again.  Now, I was more intrigued.  Not so much by The Father of Five himself, but the writer in me was intrigued that this stranger must think I have something to write that is interesting enough to keep him visiting my blog to read my content, at least on a semi-regular basis. 

 

At about this point, I put his blog in my reading list, read sporadically, and made an occasional comment.  Over the next few years, we became decent acquaintances through the increasing practice of reading each other's blogs and commenting about each other's posts.  I found he had many similar viewpoints to mine, and we often seemed to resonate with each other's writing.  So much so, that I sometimes looked at the link he provided in the sidebar of his blog to "connect on facebook".  Nah, I though... I barely know the guy... that seems awkward.  Yet, he felt somewhat like a friend.  So, on September 11, 2010, I took a risk and sent the following facebook friend request (to which he favorably responded):

 

 

From that point on, a very strange and unique friendship was built... to the point that he as become one of my closest and most trusted friends.

 

Strange, you ask?

 

Yes, strange... try explaining to people that your best friend is a guy you met online, lives 800+ miles away, and with whom you have only interacted virtually (well, other than one Skype call and, I think, two actual phone calls).  I get some strange looks!

 

For a couple of introverted guys, though, it has worked pretty well. 

 

For some time we have discussed someday meeting each other, but the distance and daily responsibilities we each bear makes that not an easy feat.  This summer's schedule and events did not lend themselves well to scheduling a week's family vacation, as I like to do.  So, I half-jokingly said maybe I'd just take a solo road trip to meet Father of Five.  Jen, being the ever-impulsive one, said "go for it!" 

 

Still not very serious, I inquired about his schedule during my July week off and he had July 21 and 22 open.  I mapped the trip and looked at my aging car and thought better of it.  I then remembered that my brother has often rented a car for road trips, and when I looked into that option, a Priceline deal on a compact car, coupled with the better gas mileage made this fairly feasible.

 

About a week before my vacation, I left it in the hands of Priceline.  I bid on a car, figuring that if I got one at a price I was comfortable with, I would go.  After a few a Priceline trials, a bid was accepted... no turning back now.

 

Mancation!

 

I left early Saturday morning and drove about halfway, camping at Illini State Park.

Illini State Park is on the bank of the Illinois River, where barge traffic is a normal part of the scenery.

 

The small town of Marseilles, Illinois is just across the river from the campground.  An easy walk over the bridge put me downtown for a little geocaching and a car show, where there were many sweet rides to admire.  Being a fan of classic VW's, this one made me smile.  I'd love to own one of these... maybe with a slightly calmer paint job, though!

 

On Sunday's drive, my rented Ford Focus hit an MPG high over 41... I could get used to that!

 

 

I took a freeway diversion and explored some of the backwoods of Wisconsin on the gravel roads of the Necedah National Wildlife Refuge.

 

Because Father of Five and I are both geocachers, a few years ago, I launched a "travel bug", which is a trackable tag that is attached to an object and moved by fellow geocachers from cache to cache.  Travel bugs have an owner-assigned goal and mine was to get from one of my caches in Ohio to one of his in Minnesota, in the most efficient route possible.  Efficiency did not work out, since this bug went everywhere BUT Minnesota!  However, just a few weeks ago, it landed in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.  The location was 1.3 miles off the freeway, so I diverted into Eau Claire to find the cache and retrieve my own travel bug, taking it on to Minnesota to reach the goal of landing in Father of Five's cache.  Mission accomplished!

 

I arrived at the workplace of Father of Five late Sunday evening, and met him face-to-face for the first time, as he finished up his shift.  After a tour of his workplace, we proceeded to the Minnesota home of Father of Five, where I met his family.  Though I was a stranger to the family, the Mother of Five graciously insisted that I stay in their home, if I wanted to.  Being introverted, I was nervous about this, but being more frugal than introverted, I agreed.  I was treated like family and given 4 of 5's bedroom during my stay, causing her to be displaced to her sister's room for a few days.

 

The obligatory visit of the nearby and HUGE Mall (Maul?) Of America

 

 Minnehaha Falls

We visited Jim's Apple Farm... a local business that claimed to stock Minnesota's largest candy selection.

They also had Minnesota's largest soda selection.  I thought I would pick up some candy to take home to my family... but I was more intrigued by the soda.  Over 175 different kinds of root beer, alone!  I decided, instead, to select a bottle of soda that reminded me of each person in my family and take them home as a souvenir of my trip.  My selections were this:

 

Jen: Chocolate soda.  She loves chocolate... but chocolate soda is not very good!

Dylan:  Buffalo Wing Soda... yep, it tastes as nasty as it sounds!

Zachary:  Because he is 12 and has a decent pre-teen sense of humor, what better than Gross Gus's Pirate Piss Soda?  It was actually quite tasty and, as expected, he thought it was hilarious!

Lily:  Because she like classic musicals, Wizard of Oz Cherry Cola.

Ben: Big Ben's Cola Soda.
 

These are frowned upon in today's society, but my cousin, Mike, will remember, as do I, buying (and "smoking") these candy cigarettes years ago from Grey's General Store.  I found them in the candy selection and had to buy some for nostalgia and to show my kids.

 

Yes, back home with the politically incorrect kids-smoking-the-candy-cigarettes pose.

 

We spent two days seeing his stomping grounds, hiking, geocaching... and talking.  For a couple of introverts, we never seemed to shut up! 

 

Then, it was back to work for FoF and back to Ohio for me.  I drove home a different route through Iowa on the way home and it was a little further... just over 900 miles straight through on Wednesday.

Selfie with the Sinclair dinosaur

 

Yep, a just over 2,000 mile round-trip, solo, 5-day (3 days of it driving) mancation to visit a "virtual" friend is wild and crazy for me... even a little awkward for this introvert.  But, it confirmed that this friendship, though unique, is really not strange.  Rather, it's real, and I'm grateful that the internet made blogging possible, and that blogging made a great friendship possible.

 

The Father of Five

tune-up

A lot of advertisements have fast-talking disclaimers at the end.  Occasionally, my blog posts have disclaimers, as well, but I often prefer to put the disclaimer up front (or even throughout).  I do this because I sometimes write about a topic that resonates with me, but it it resonates not from the perspective of, "I've really hit the bulls-eye!", but rather, "I really am the bulls-eye!".  This is one such post.

That said, I am not trying to sound super spiritual or holier-than-thou.  I (as well as my entire family) have fought a lot of struggles, discouragement and depression in the past few years, related to multiple areas of life.  Such hardships can either strengthen or weaken a person's faith and relationship with God.  For me, unfortunately, I chose to react in such a way that has put distance between me and my God.  As unique individuals, it has effected the members of my family in differing ways, but I think we have all felt some form of spiritual distancing.

I can't/won't speak for the other members of my family, but in the past few months, I feel as though I have turned a corner.  I am starting to face some of the excuses that I used to justify the spiritual apathy, and beginning to work my way out of my spiritual slump.  Mind you, I have quite a bit of work to do, but I am beginning...

---

We enjoyed a quiet New Year's Eve at home to commemorate this year's changing of the calendar... there was some whining about "boring" (I won't mention names), but, after the busyness of Christmas, I personally found it a little refreshing to just enjoy a quiet evening at home with the family.  I, having a reputation of not liking games (I'm really working on that), actually tried a few times throughout the evening to drum up a family game at the new table in the well-lit and cozy new kitchen, but could get no takers.  Party poopers!

As it turned out, I am glad that New Year's Day fell on a Sunday this year.  We debated taking the day off from church, since it was a holiday and we let the kids (all except Benny) stay up past midnight on Saturday.  But, I decided, since we went to bed shortly after midnight and we'd still get a decent night's sleep, that I was going to start the new year in church, even if I went alone.  This would be where that not-sounding-super-spiritual disclaimer comes in... I didn't make the decision because I am Super-Christian, nor did I feel guilted into being there (like I sometimes have felt in the past).  No, I made the decision simply because I genuinely wanted to go... and that was a refreshing feeling!

Of course, I also made the decision that at least the three older kids were going to get up and go with me (without any complaining... if they wanted to stay up late on Saturday!), because I'm the Dad and I can "help" them make those decisions!  In the end, we all six got up and spent the first morning of the new year in church.

And, I'm really glad I did!  Pastor Steve delivered a fairly simple and straightforward sermon from Psalm 101, as a challenge for a new year.

Psalm 101 (NIV, 1984)
¹ I will sing of your love and justice;
to you, O LORD, I will sing praise.
² I will be careful to lead a blameless life—
when will you come to me?
I will walk in my house
with blameless heart.
³ I will set before my eyes
no vile thing.
The deeds of faithless men I hate;
they will not cling to me.
⁴ Men of perverse heart shall be far from me;
I will have nothing to do with evil.
⁵ Whoever slanders his neighbor in secret,
him will I put to silence;
whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart,
him will I not endure.
⁶ My eyes will be on the faithful in the land,
that they may dwell with me;
he whose walk is blameless
will minister to me.
⁷ No one who practices deceit
will dwell in my house;
no one who speaks falsely
will stand in my presence.
⁸ Every morning I will put to silence
all the wicked in the land;
I will cut off every evildoer
from the city of the LORD.

He hit my bulls-eye that morning.  I started the year with a sense of both encouragement and challenge.  He challenged me in a number of areas, but the idea of  "blameless" was the focus.  It wasn't a typical New Year's resolution-type message, but he used the scripture passage to present more of a life "tune-up" for the new year.

Three areas stood out to me:

1. Verse 2:  Will I walk in my house with a blameless heart?  He made a statement to the effect that (speaking generally to parents) it is your individual responsibility to lead your family in a spiritually healthy direction, even if your home is less than perfect, or even if your spouse does not.  Wow, my life and my home is far from perfect... far from "blameless", but I need to make a greater effort to help my family see the importance of spiritual foundations, even in the midst especially in the midst of a period of "storm damage". 
2. Verse 3:  What influences (positive or negative) am I allowing into my life and my home?  He challenged me to be a guardian of what I allow into my life and my home, largely through various forms of media... TV, movies, video games, internet, music, books, etc.  A big challenge and big responsibility!  As my kids get older, it is getting much more difficult to stay on top of what they are taking in.  I also need to be aware of the message that what they see and hear me "ingesting" sends to them.  This is not an area to practice legalism (which I think often happens) , but healthy balance and caution.
3. Verses 4-7:  What people will I let influence me and my family?  As an introvert, I am a man of few close friends, but I feel that I have done a pretty good job of picking my friends over the years.  I recently wrote about this in the post "kindergarten to cosmic".  Still, it's a good reminder that the best way to help my family learn to choose friendships with those who will be a positive influence in their life is for them to see me choosing "solid" friends... friends that could hang with me and my family, without worrying that they may have a negative influence!

Yeah, I've been running a little rough... I could sure use some spiritual "tuning up".  How about you?

kindergarten to cosmic

I am introverted.  I am shy.  I am socially awkward.  I struggle to meet new people and make new friends.  I am not alone.

Well, speaking of "alone", folks like me often struggle with loneliness, but even introverts don't like to be lonely. 

Over the years, I have tended to have a fairly small number of friends.  I'm good with that.  A few close friends to hang out with, or to share my thoughts with is really all I need. 

Friendships come in varying degrees and forms, and they change as we move throughout different stages of life.  I have had both long-term and shorter-term friendships, and a number of friendships have morphed from acquaintance to friendship, or vice versa.  In other words, I still "keep up" (mostly via Facebook) with many friends who were considered somewhat close in years past, but time and life have caused us to grow distant.  They are still considered my friends, but I don't go much beyond surface and smalltalk conversations, even if they were once more (for lack of a better word) "intimate" friends.

Actually, I'm a guy who isn't afraid to use the word intimate in the context of friendship.  Dictionary.com defines it simply as "associated in close personal relations".  Even the manliest of men desire a few intimate friendships... yes, with other men. 

I have been blessed with what I consider to be some very good friendships over the years.  The intent of this post is not to chronicle every friendship I have ever had, but rather to highlight various "routes to friendship" I have experienced throughout my lifetime ("friend" being defined as non-family/spouse, for sake of this post).  You (if you consider yourself my friend) may, or may not, recognize yourself in this post.  (If you do not, it is not because your friendship isn't, or wasn't, important to me... the post just isn't intended to be exhaustive!)

For starters, I should pay tribute to my most enduring friendship.  I have had one very close friend since kindergarten!  Our last names are one letter apart in the alphabet, so we were seated near each other during our kindergarten year (with just one girl between us, on which I STILL maintain that he had a kindergarten crush, but he has always vehemently denied this!)  What began in kindergarten, developed into my closest friendship throughout all thirteen years of school.  Although time and life have separated us considerably since then, he is still considered one of my very best friends.  He is the kind of friend that I can go for long periods of time without talking to, but pick right back up where we left off at any given time... the kind of friend who could call me day or night, out of the blue, if he needed my help, and I would help him in any way I could... the kind of friend who I'm certain feels the same.  Friends like this are rare, and should be considered a treasure.  I value this friendship, and at this point I think it is safe to assume we will be lifetime friends... although, I really should make more effort to keep in contact (he lives a whole 10-ish miles from me!)

Similarly, I had a few close friends in college (one from my Audiology courses and the others from my involvement with the Baptist Student Union), many of whom I still maintain some level of contact, mostly through Facebook.  My closest college friend, who was very instrumental in my first date with Jen (but that's a long story), is still a close friend, and our families often do things together.  It's hard to believe (time is going by quickly), but this friendship has endured one side or the other of twenty years!

I have had a few co-worker friendships over the years.  Although I have worked with some really great people,  and I still maintain contact with some of them, only a few have developed into what I would consider "close" friendships.  Of these, one co-worker friendship is a little unusual, and stands out.  I once went to work for a friend in his small company (mostly him and me, occasionally a third employee).  We both approached it fairly carefully at the start, because such an arrangement can either strengthen or ruin a friendship.  I worked with him for seven years (and likely would be still, if the economy hadn't drastically affected his business).  What developed out of that "risk" on both of our parts was a much stronger friendship and a very high level of respect for this person.  This individual holds family in high regard and was very generous in allowing me to flex my work schedule to spend quality time with my family.  He never viewed his employees as "expendable", and I saw him wrestle with the decision any time he had to let an employee go... especially when my turn came!  He was so committed to my family and I, that when the economy began to cause his business (and his industry, as a whole), to shrink severely, he made personal sacrifices in an effort to keep me employed as long as possible... long enough to complete Lily's adoption and Ben's birth (just two months apart).  How rare is it to work for an employer who is that kind of friend?

It is no secret that the period of time since then (for various reasons), has been (and continues to be) one of the most difficult times of my life, to date.  I am facing many struggles that are very personal to me, and it is at times like these that a man really values a friendship that he considers "intimate".  I have recently been blessed with three "newer" friendships, from various sources, with which I have felt a level of sincerity and comfort to confide areas of vulnerability:

One is with a man I greatly admire from a church that we have attended.  He and I have had numerous long conversations, about various topics, over McDonald's breakfasts and during many early morning KraftMaid cabinet outlet shopping runs.  He and his family have been a valuable source of encouragement to me and my family.

The second is a recent co-worker, who sold cars from the cubicle next to mine.  A few years earlier, while shopping for my minivan, he was the salesman I talked to at this dealership.  He was one of the few automotive salespersons that I liked at the time, but I did not end up buying from his dealership (which he has not let me forget).  Recently, when I went to work for this dealership for a year and a half between jobs, I was ironically assigned a cubicle next to his, and spent several hours of "slow time" in deep conversations about various topics.  We discovered that we think a lot alike and have quite a bit in common, and fairly quickly developed a close friendship.  He and I have both since switched jobs, but I valued his friendship during that time.  While I still consider him a close friend, I miss being able to talk with him, as we did then.

The third is a somewhat non-traditional friendship, but is very much a sign of the times.  It is actually what sparked this post.  I am constantly in awe of what the internet has done for our lives.  Granted, there are many negatives associated with the internet, but I still find so much of the capabilities of the internet absolutely mind-blowing.  This friendship, an "internet relationship", is case in point.

For just over three years I have been blogging, with minimal publicity and no access to search engines (by design).  My "audience" is mostly family, friends, and those of the adoption community that read my China travel blog and have carried over to this one... I assume, anyway.  Actually, I have no idea who is really reading what I write, as evidenced by occasional "hits" from nearly all 50 states and a few foreign countries.

A few years back, another "Dad blogger" (who lives several states away, has a family about the size of mine, and enjoys the outdoors), stumbled onto my blog, read a few posts and left a comment (which, as another blogger friend at Raising Tomatoes recently stated, "comments are like crack for a blogger, even when you don't know who is leaving them").  She's right... a comment from a stranger... I must link to his blog to see who he is!  I read a few posts and probably left a comment.  Several weeks or months went by, he shows up again.  Oh yeah, I remember him... let me visit his blog again.  This continued for a while, and increased in frequency, until we became "regulars" at each other's blogs.  I really enjoyed reading what he wrote, and he seemed to feel the same about my writing.

Then one day, after much deliberation (it felt awkward, but then... I am socially awkward), I went to my Facebook page, searched for him, found him, sent a friend request... and waited.  So, it's cool to read his blog, but would he think requesting his friendship on Facebook is strange... would I look like some sort of man-stalker... am I overstepping some social media boundary... how would I respond if the shoe were on the other foot and he sent me a request?  No worries... he quickly accepted my request and indicated that he was glad I found him.  We began to regularly send each other blogger crack comments, and interact fairly extensively via Facebook.  Through "social media", we learned that we shared many commonalities, including that we both considered ourselves somewhat introverted and socially anxious.  Being fellow-bloggers, we both have found the internet to be a very comfortable medium through which to interact, and, even though we have never met face-to-face and never talked outside of the internet, we have developed a very close "virtual" friendship that is every bit as real as any "traditional" friendship.  Not having grown up with the internet, it sounds (even while I am writing this) a little weird, but it is actually fascinating (I think I called it "mind-blowing" earlier) how the internet, through tools like blogging, Facebook and email, can make it possible for two strangers, several states apart, to develop a deep (and I think I can say "intimate") friendship that is mutually valued.

Remarkable.  I am old enough that this latest friendship would have seemed like some cosmic concept from a far-out science-fiction movie back when I was forming that first friendship in my kindergarten class!

I guess the point of this post is twofold.  Firstly, no two "routes to friendship" are identical, and you never know where (or how) you might make a good friend.  And, secondly, I'm thankful for a few good friends, both now and over the years.