500

I'm a pretty casual geocacher, as geocaching goes.  There are many who must eat, sleep, breathe geocaching to have found the multiple thousands of caches they have logged.  To each their own, I suppose, but that's not what it looks like for me.  I'm more of a half-dozen-on-a-Sunday-afternoon geocacher.

So, 500 finds in just over 5 years of geocaching is nothing that really stands out to most.  But I found it kind of exciting!

I hit 499 caches in mid-December and I wanted to find one that was better than average for my milestone find.  I looked through the listings and a fairly nearby cache (about 20 miles from the house) titled "The Hive" caught my attention, based on the number of previous geocachers that had given it favorite points.  It was rated high in difficulty and terrain, and when I read the description, it sounded like just what I was looking for... a fun challenge and not just a quick drive-by grab.

Of my kids, Benny will always go geocaching.  Lily will sometimes go geocaching.  Dylan and Zachary hardly ever go geocaching.  The older boys are bored with it because they say so many of the geocaches are all the same... which is true.  But, I still think it is fun.

Based on the description, I didn't think this one would be well suited for Benny.  He wanted to go, but I told him not this time.  I was debating Lily, but she decided she wanted to stay home... which may have been the best on this one.  I tried hard to entice the older boys out with an unusual and challenging hide.  Dylan was uninterested, but when Zachary read the cache description, he was a go!

It was above fifty degrees on the last day of January, so today was the perfect day to get my 500th cache.  We grabbed some gear and headed out.

The cache description had GPS coordinates for a nearby homeowner that agreed to allow geocachers to park in the end of this secondary driveway.  We followed the coordintes to the location, about 300 feet from the actual cache.  We secured the cachemobile and walked down the road to locate "ground zero" (GZ)... the spot where the GPS indicates zero feet to the cache (which is typically accurate to within a twenty feet radius).  This cache access was underground and the GPS has no signal below ground, so we had to study everything from above and translate it underground.  I spotted something at GZ that would be key to locating things below ground, so we headed below.

*** Spoiler alert:  local geocachers may want to stop reading if you plan to find this one!***

Cachemobile secured in authorized parking

The underground cache was accessed from a concrete culvert (about 4-5 feet in diameter) that carried a creek under a state highway.

We studied both entrances from the road and decided on the upstream end.  Headlamps in place... we're going in!

Walking on the sides of the culvert to straddle the stream

My back is not as young as it used to be!

About midway was a "secret room" that you couldn't see from the ends, where you could stand up.

We found this large icicle (I couldn't get it all in the pic).  We had to climb a ladder (seen here) to retreive the cache.

Log in hand... we did it!  #500!

We took a few back roads home and logged five more finds, mostly cemetery caches.  We had a fun afternoon.  I really enjoy hanging out with this kid and I'm glad he's not yet too cool to spend an afternoon with Dad every once in a while!

better?

I didn't really think about this until after the fact, but I realized this week that I think I might be a little better.  Let me explain...

I've shared a number of times in this blog that most of my forth decade has been fraught with hardships and discouragements.  Not that there haven't been some good times mixed in, but I feel like I've been through the wringer with finances, employment, home remodeling, a child with disabilities... and the one I've mostly kept to myself until recently, a failing marriage and impending divorce.

The effect of all this has been to drive this introvert further into a years-long shell of solitude... and depression.  I have had to push through, because I am currently the sole provider and I have five other people counting on me to provide.  But, getting through a typical day-- or week-- left me with very little emotional energy.  What I did have left often went to my kids, leaving me tapped out.  I mostly turned down social invitations and rarely visited anyone... even my immediate family.  I just didn't have the emotional energy.

Part of the social invitation hangup was that I really hate phony.  My marriage has been the equivalent of being in a coma, but kept on life support, for multiple years.  But very few knew.  I don't like feeling like I have to pretend to be the happy family facebook made us look like.  But it didn't seem right to "go public" with some of the painful elements of my life.  So, I carried secrets and struggled with non-clinical depression for a long time.

Though I may have made more than my share of mistakes as a husband and father, I can honestly say that I have lived most of my adult life for my wife and children.  Prior to and throughout my marriage, nearly everything I did-- even the mistakes-- were for the good (or what I thought to be the good) of my family or future family.  My lifestyle bears witness of this.  If you walk though my home and garage, you won't find the trappings of expensive toys and hobbies.  You'll find a modest lifetime collection of backpacking and hiking gear, a low end GPS for geocaching, a 30 year-old mountain bike, and a base model kayak.  That is pretty much the extent of my "man hobbies".  My family is my hobby, and as much as possible, I try to incorporate them into what little bit of "man hobbies" I have.

I don't say this to pat myself on the back, but rather to illustrate that the prospect of losing a spouse (even of a mediocre marriage) and "half" of the lives of my children is a huge blow to this family man.  Being in a "holding pattern" has it's advantages, like still seeing my kids every day.  But, it also has it's struggles, like not being able to rebuild a new life after a failed marriage.  It just leaves you stuck.

And, for me, that has been stuck in a dark, depressing emotional hole... my shell of solitude and depression.  It's not a healthy place to be.  Then again, neither is it healthy for an introvert to be forcing himself into a world of phony.

But, I think I might be a little better.

I still don't want to be a divorced dad.  I still don't want to have my family fractured and 18 years of my life and family divided up.  I still don't want to start a new life at age fifty.  However, I think I'm somewhat coming to terms with it.  I realize it's still going to get worse-- likely a lot worse-- before it gets better.  Divorce is hell.  But, you can't make someone love you that doesn't or won't.  You can't make someone forgive, or whatever it is they need to do to give marriage another chance.  You can fight for them, believe in them, give them time and grace.  You can self examine, self loathe, and self improve.  At some point, though, you have to look in the mirror and admit to yourself that you have left no stone unturned to save your marriage, but you can't right the ship.  It's taking on water faster than you can bail, and there's nothing you can do about it... it's goin' down.

But, while looking in that mirror, I'm starting to like what I see.  I'm still far from perfect, but I'm getting more comfortable hanging out with myself.  My family is still of utmost importance to me, but I'm becoming more of an individual.  I can enjoy a balance of being with them and solitude... a healthy solitude.  I was hesitant to "come out" on my blog about my marriage, but it has given me more freedom to be real.

And, you know what?

All of this "coming to terms" has allowed me to poke my head ever so slightly out of my shell of solitude and depression.

And, that brings me to this week's reflections...

This past Saturday was my extended family's twenty-somethingth  annual chili cook-off.  It is an excuse to get together with aunts, uncles and cousins in the dead of winter.  Folks bring a pot of chili and a few sides and we vote on the best chili and then sit around and eat and visit the rest of the day.

And... I went.

Chili contestants:  Uncle Charles, Marge, Dad, Laurel (my SIL), me

I planned food to share and went grocery shopping earlier in the week.  I made [losing] chili and baked homemade chocolate chip cookies to share.  I bought a bin of pretzel rods that I knew Benny would exist on for the day.  I packed toys to keep Benny occupied.  I packed swimsuits and towels for the rented cabin's hot tub.  I packed it all in the van and took four kids for the day.  I did it pretty much as a single dad would.

And, it was a bit exhausting.

But, I did it.

I'm not bragging.  I'm also not saying it's going to be my new norm... I am and will always be an introvert.  Nor am I saying that I am done with my shell of solitude and depression.

But, I'm kinda proud of myself.  And... I think I might be a little... better!

B-E-N

Raising a child with intellectual disabilities can be heartbreaking.  But, to watch your child struggle to grasp things that their age peers learned years ago makes every accomplishment more special when it is finally achieved.  Life with Ben moves a little slower and it gives you more time to savor and enjoy the special moments and developmental hurdles.

IDIC 15 can be a very extreme and difficult diagnosis.  Being a part of a few IDIC 15 internet forums, I see that there are many parents of children with this syndrome that literally don't know how they can get through another day of parenting.  While we feel that way on some occasions, the truth is that Ben is high functioning IDIC 15, and that is a blessing.  While I would wipe the syndrome and all it's difficulties away if I could, being Ben's dad is a joy (albeit a sometimes exhausting joy) that I would not trade for anything.  He's a super cool kid!

And, that brings me to a new level of achievement for Ben and one of those moments I want to lock away in the blog category "Dad's memories" for future remembering.

Unlike many seven year-olds, Ben is still working hard on learning the alphabet.  He gets things in bits and pieces, but struggles with some of the bigger concepts.  He recognizes some of the letters and can put some words to certain letters, but it is still a work in progress.

But, the cool "aha" that has been the latest transition is that Ben has recognized that letters make up words and words have meaning.  While any actual significant reading is still a long way off (and the realist in me hopes that will become a reality for him), this realization is a huge leap forward.

It doesn't seem to bother him that he is not yet able to read, but Ben will sometimes point to words (often on the underside of Hot Wheels cars) with the request, "tell me what it says (sāz)".  That's huge!

One of my favorite manifests of this new understanding, however, is his name.  He's still working on recognizing all the individual letters, but he can tell you his name is spelled "B-E-N".  And, of late, he has mastered recognition of the capital "B", to the point where he often randomly spots B's and asks, "does that say B-E-N?"

I'm so proud of the progress he is making and I love seeing things that many others may take for granted as big light bulbs that are turning on for him.

I consider myself lucky to be your dad, and you're my favorite Ben in the whole world... and yes, that says B-E-N!

faithful steed

She was a faithful steed, but I had to put her down today.

14 years my 2001 Chevy Lumina served me, and never once did she leave me or any of my family stranded.  She was a good one!  Had the transmission not gone bad, I'd still be driving it.

End of the line... sniff, sniff

I'm not so much about the image of a car.  I'm more about the function, utility, and durability.  I tend to drive them until there is little left, so these factors are more important to me than whether the car makes me look good.

I actually tend to drive cars that are slightly on the plain side.  When I was shopping for a car in 2001, I remember reading a review of the Lumina that referred to it as an "older person's car".  But, those same reviews also used words like "reliable" and "durable".  After researching cars, I decided a late model Lumina was the next car for my family and I bought a used one, just one year old.  

Of the cars I've owned, I think I can honestly say that the Lumina has been my favorite car.  From 2001 to 2008 it was our main family car, then it became our second car from 2008 to present.  14 years is the longest I have ever driven a car, and since my oldest child was just 18 months old when I purchased it, it is a car full of memories.

Yeah... memories.  That's why it was hard to see that one roll out the driveway on a flatbed.

Here are just a few of the Lumina memories I could find in the family photos...

Multiple trips to OBX

Many camping trips, including this one to Alabama on spring break

Alabama to visit Jen's Grandpa

Camping trip to West Virginia

Backpacking trips

text faux pas

The lower budget pre-paid smart phone plans that Jen and I use can be a bit annoying at times.  The coverage area leaves something to be desired and they sometimes do frustrating things with texts. Today, though, this frustration turned a bit comical... at least to me.

Our phones often take a longer text and break it up, delivering it in pieces, not always in the proper order.  And, sometimes they fail to deliver texts altogether.  I sent a text to Jen today from work and her phone did a little of both.  She received not pieces, but just one piece of the whole... only the LAST piece of the original text.

The following is a screenshot from her phone.  This is the entirety of what she received from me...

What's that?  Your mind saw WHAT?  Oh, come on... get your mind out of the gutter!  That's NOT what I was asking!  

No... you see, I need to get some blood work done for my annual physical and I need to find an outpatient lab on my way to work that is on our insurance plan.  I was on the plan website at work and I couldn't figure out how to navigate it.  I was asking her if she could help me find a lab this evening, as evidenced by the following screenshot from MY phone (time-stamped ahead of her screen shot):

There... now don't you feel silly?