Faith is a topic that is woven here and there throughout my blog posts, but I don't over-spiritualize things here... at least I don't think so. I sometimes write about faith in topical or reflective ways, but I am very hesitant to report "God moments". However, Sunday past was a bit of a unique day that merits a post.
It started like many other Sundays... getting myself up and making sure all four kids were up and moving in time to get out the door for church by nine. Once at church, the three older kids went to their classes and I made a bathroom stop with Benny and dropped him at his Sunday School class, then settled into a pew in the sanctuary for the worship service.
I attend a fairly large church where I know almost nobody (because I feel they are accommodating to children with disabilities). At first, it felt very lonely to attend worship services by myself and be surrounded by hundreds of strangers, but I have mostly grown accustomed to it. Although I believe interaction with others is valuable and I sometimes wish I had some guy-friends at church, there are times when I like the loneliness. I can lift my voice boldly in songs of praise to my God because I am joining with hundreds of other voices, yet I am essentially an unknown face and I can just be "me", without any expectations that church folk sometimes place on each other. At this point in my life, it works.
On this Sunday, I was just a bit earlier than usual, so I took a moment to enjoy the solitude of the sanctuary. Though there were many people gathered, I was undisturbed as I took in the atmosphere...dimmed lights, tasteful holiday decor, and a soft pre-worship instrumental music. I quickly felt relaxed and reverent as I anticipated a good service ahead.
I had plenty of time to check my phone and make sure it was on vibrate (in case Ben's teachers needed me). While on my phone, I decided to do a facebook "check-in"... something I only very occasionally do. I don't use it often, but I selected the "feeling" option and scrolled through the choices. I was looking for something like "reverent", but it was not there. I couldn't find a feeling that perfectly matched the moment, but after debating a few I selected "peaceful". I hit post and told all my friends I was feeling peaceful at ******** Church of the Christian and Missionary Alliance. Then the service began.
(names deleted for my own privacy)
My Pastor is currently doing a series on characters in the Christmas story. This particular day, he featured Joseph and Mary. He spoke of the uncertainty that they both faced when their lives were turned upside down by the news that Mary was with child . He shared how their initial reaction was fear and doubt, but their turmoil gave way to peace as an angel visited them both independently with the message, "do not be afraid". Although their path had difficulties, they each chose to respond with acceptance and obedience to the change of plans in their lives. He then challenged us by asking what areas of our lives do we need God's message of peace in the words "do not be afraid"?
Wow... message of peace! Ironically, moments before I reported feeling peaceful. But, as I examined my life in the quiet reflective moments of the service, I had to admit my life is characterized by many fears and doubts... and I actually have very little peace. In those moments, I felt God's spirit prompting me that I am facing very uncertain days ahead and I am living in fear. I fear the result of my failing marriage. I fear the uncertainty of a seemingly unavoidable divorce. I fear what will become of my relationship and time with my kids. I fear the finances of divorce and the finances (or lack thereof) after the dust of divorce settles.
I am always very nervous about sharing "God moments" because it's not like I heard audible voices, but at that moment, I felt like the words of those scriptures were put there just for me... "do not be afraid". It was almost as if God were putting his fatherly arm around my shoulder and telling me, "I know these are uncertain times and it's likely to get worse before it gets better, but do not be afraid... I'm right here with you, son." I breathed a short prayer and asked God to give me a spirit of acceptance, obedience, trust and peace in the midst of my circumstances.
That afternoon was sunny and in the 50's, which is rare for December in northeast Ohio. I decided to head out to a local State Park in the late afternoon for a few hours of quiet in the form of hiking and geocaching. The park was nearly deserted this time of year and I thoroughly enjoyed the mild December day.
Geocaching often brings you to spots like this!
On my return back to the car, I hiked a trail that went along the edge of a cliff that bordered the lake. The sun was beginning to set and the sky was illuminating with brilliance. I stopped a few times to take a few photos as I hiked.
Wow!
I thought it couldn't get any better, but the colors just kept improving...
At one point I stopped hiking, laced my hands behind my head, crossed my feet, stretched out on the ground at the cliff's edge and just watched the finale. I stayed there until almost dark. There was not another person anywhere around and it was one of the most tranquil moments I have experienced in a long time. It almost felt like I was the only person on earth. As I laid there, Pastor's sermon came back to mind and I ruminated on the words some more. I spent some moments in prayer, which seemed natural in the tranquility of the "sanctuary". Again... "God moments" aren't abundant in my life, but it was almost as if God once again put his arm around my shoulder and said, "son, you asked for greater peace... I made these moments just for you!"
I drove my old high-mileage car home without mishap and parked it in the driveway. About an hour later, I needed to pick up Lily at a Bible club she attends at the church up the road. I jumped back in my car and as I stepped on the brake to put the car in gear, a brake line blew out and the pedal went to the floor... sitting still in my driveway! In the theme of the day, it was just one more way the sermon and my prayers came back to roost... almost as if the fatherly arm was once more on my shoulder with the message... "life won't always be easy, but I've got your back... do not be afraid!"
I'm still fearful of unknowns... I'm human, after all. But, my fear won't change any of the outcomes. However, I am thankful for the reminders that even though there may be storm clouds ahead, I'm facing them with the God who paints sunsets, and in that I can find some peace.
