How's your car-acter?

I have recently heard it suggested that character is somewhat linked to the vehicle you drive. More specifically, the character of your parenting is proportionate to the vehicle in which you choose to transport your kids.

Hmmm... if that is true, then I wonder what this says about me and my older, high mileage car?

I've been devoid of blog fodder for months, and sometimes l just need to write something... if for no other reason than the exercise of writing. This post may be just an exercise in writing... or not.  You decide...

'Tis a tale of two cars...

One of the best guys I know drives himself and his children in an older, high mileage car similar to this:

This is a fella who has become a solid friend to me... alas, like a brother to me. He has helped pull me through some difficult times and listens with an unbiased ear... which is a rare and valued car-acter trait. This is a man who loves his kids and loves his wife.  He is respected by his employer, co-workers and friends. Despite his "questionable" choice in family vehicles, I'd vouch for him any day as a solid parent and a man of car-acter.

By contrast, one of the sleaziest guys I know drives himself and his children in a late model, low mileage car similar to this:

Obviously, by his choice in cars, he is a man of car-acter who values family and safety of the ones he loves, right? Of course, it also shows that he cares about the safety of his mistress, if he ever were to transport her (or them, whatever may be the case).  Wait? WHAT? Yeah, this is a man who used to be a friend until, during one of our last conversations, he admitted to secretly having a mistress to survive his miserable life (that outwardly appears artificially near-perfect). No... unfortunately, he wasn't joking. His advice to help me through some difficult times was to do the same... find a mistress to soothe the rough edges of life. Despite his "excellent" choice in family vehicles, I'd vouch for him any day as a fraud to his kids and a man of NO car-acter.

A tale of two cars... seems to suggest that character and quality parenting have little to do with the vehicle in which you drive your family and a lot more to do with how that vehicle factors into managing finances and supporting those you love. So, if anyone is going to judge character by what is parked in a garage, then have at it. I don't have time to worry about such things!  

Now, excuse me while I put a wrap on this blog fodder and locate a muffler shop... yeah, mine's about to fall off!

non-sterile

During no other time in history has the forming and dissolving of relationships been so public.  The advent of social media has made the lives of the masses who choose to engage in it much more public.  It adds a very interesting layer to this process of relationship.  We now have to "manage" our "online presence".  We have new words associated with friendships and relationships... such as "unfriended" or "blocked".  Nobody ever really taught most of us how to manage our online presence, because nobody ahead of us ever heard of such a thing.

We are online pioneers.

So, we wing it.

Though this post is not meant to be critical, I have noticed something that unnerves me just a little.  I have witnessed a number of long-term relationships crash and burn within my facebook circle.  Some manage their online presence more tactfully than others, but almost without fail, I see one commonality... the sterilization of the online presence.

Every trace of that ex-whatever is wiped out of profiles.

Gone.

Deleted.

Erased.

Eliminated.

The online presence is sterilized as though eradicating a deadly bacteria.

And it unnerves me because it is history.  I see social media (both this blog and my facebook page) not just as an in-the-moment whimsical time killer, but as an account of my life's history.  Both, but mainly this blog, are a running autobiography, of sorts.

Editing folks out of my online presence is essentially rewriting my history.  I'm not sure I'm okay with that.  If I took the time to record something with or about someone in the "pages" of my online presence, then the event, thought, or emotion was significant in that moment.  Just because I may now feel very differently does not mean that it was not valid in that moment.  And, because I chose to record it, it becomes a part of my personal history.

What I am in this moment is hollow and empty if I rewrite the history that made me.

I often try to filter things through my kids.  My online presence is their history, too.  While displaying pictures of an individual from a  past relationship in your home would just be weird, it's not the same with social media.  My marriage really happened.  18 years of life really happened.  And because of that, four kids really happened.  And they deserve to have some preservation of that aspect of their history.

While I am still married, it is now reduced to little more than a business arrangement and the proverbial handwriting is on the wall.  I'm not trying to sound holier-than-others, but I have had a season to ponder... more than many in this situation.  I'm not making guarantees, but if divorce happens, I'm thinking I won't sterilize my history.  While I have made some adjustments to what is being posted in the present, I'm hoping to leave history intact.  As a blogger, I think an accurate history of the past lends a richness to the present that can be lost to sterilization.

A related event occurred today that prompted this post.  I have my facebook account set to show memories... things that have been posted "on this date" over the course of my seven-plus year account.  I had a significant-to-me multi-decade friendship go bad a few years back.  The details aren't important to this post, but the friendship is not salvageable.  I believe in forgiveness but that does not always equal restoration, and in this case it does not.  I toyed with sterilizing this person from my blog and facebook history, but I chose not to. (They have been unfriended, but the past content is intact.)  I have kept it in my history as a less-significant-than-a-spouse test of my theory that one should carefully weigh social media sterilization. Today, a link to a blog post written about this friendship (when it still was a friendship) popped up in my facebook memories.  At first, some of the pain started to resurface.  But, along with the pain was a reminder of lessons that have been learned.  As I've pondered it throughout the day, it cemented the idea that I am who I am today partly because of both the good and bad aspects of that significant piece of my history.

Time will tell, but it has been said, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"... I think I may just continue to run with my history non-sterile.

best self

I had to attend a mandatory mindset training session yesterday for my large corporate employer. They do that every now and then.

Being an introvert, I often find them somewhat painful. But, also being an hourly employee, it's a part of a day that I get paid to not do my regular work. So, that makes it a wash.

Maybe I was just having a bad day, but I found this one particularly painful. It was about our company's new leadership principles and something about how everyone in the company is a leader...

Meh... I wasn't feeling it. But, blogger that I am, there was a takeaway.

The question was asked:  "When are you your best self?"

The intent was to tie that best self (whether it occurred on or off the job) back to our role within the company. It was an open-ended question without parameters, but most folks (at least the ones who publicly shared their answers) were going with some type of performance/achievement/career-based answer.

I'm often not wired that way, though. Although I take my job seriously, real life is what happens outside of work. I work to live, not live to work.

I had never really pondered the question, "When are you your best self?"  It didn't surprise me, though, that my answer had nothing to do with work. It also didn't surprise me that my takeaway from the session had little to do with work, or that I spent the majority of the remainder of the session pondering this potential blog post.

The answer I came up with is that I think I'm my best self when I am just hanging out with my youngest son, Benny.  Not every time I'm hanging out with him, mind you.  No, he can try my patience and bring out my not-so-best self, at times... many times!  But, at this stage in my life, the times I see myself my best self are the moments when I let myself be drawn into his world.  Because of Ben's disabilities, he still has innocence and imagination beyond many six year-olds.  When my world and his merge in a way that allows us both to leave reality behind for a period of time and just enjoy each other, he brings out my best self!  It is in those moments that I feel like a good Dad.  It is in those moments when I realize the blessings of parenting a child with intellectual and other disabilities.  It is in those moments when he makes me feel like I'm doing something right. 

No, I don't think Benny really realizes that his six year-old self has a gift to make people happy.  But, he does.  And, when being with him makes the world's pressures melt away and his happiness rubs off in a way that brings out patience, compassion, empathy, imagination... yep, there it is... best self!

best self-ie!

I heard it

Benny makes no bones about it... he's a Mama's boy. 

It never gets easier, but I have grown somewhat used to him preferring Jen over me, even to the point of often trying to love on him and hearing him tell me, "No, get outta here, Dad!"  I now know that IDIC 15 probably has something to do with that, but it still hurts, just the same.

Jen was gone for about 24 hours this weekend on a girl's night out with some friends, so Dad was running the home front.  This has happened on numerous occasions, but this is the first time that Benny hardly even asked about, or talked about, Mama.  Not that I don't want them to be close, but it was kind of nice to not feel like second-- or third-- best to Benny this weekend. 

We all watched a movie in the evening, and Benny actually snuggled up to me.  ME!  He will often choose Dylan as his backup when Jen is not here to snuggle with... but, he chose Dad.  What an honor.  I cherished the moment and even let him stay up longer than I normally would have, soaking up every last bit of it. 

And, then it was off to bed, with no fuss and no crying for Mama.

But, the coup de grâce occurred early this morning.  He awoke a little ahead of the Sunday morning church alarm and came to my bedroom, as is often his custom.  I invited him into my cozy bed to snuggle and he crawled under the covers and wrapped his arms around my neck and the conversation went like this:

       Me:  "I love you, Ben!"
       Ben:  "I love you too, Dad!"
       Me:  "You're my favorite Ben in the whole world!"
       Ben:  "You're my favorite Dad!"

Now, it may not seem like much to you, but, since they were small, I have made a habit of telling all my kids "You are my favorite [insert name] in the whole world".  And, they have all said it back to me (when they were little, anyway... not so much as they get older, but I still tell them.)

I have never heard Benny say it... until today! 

We may soon be back to "No, get outta here, Dad!", but, for today, I heard it... "You're my favorite Dad!"

A good day

Our local Kiwanis Club sponsors an annual Junior Olympics for grades K-6.  It is held each year in May at our high school track, and some members of the high school track team are always there to assist with the events.  I really appreciate the Kiwanis Club for making this investment in our kids, but I also give props to the high school track team members who participate.  The students who are there each year enthusiastically volunteer their Saturday morning, and they seem to really enjoy working with the possible future members of the track team to follow in their shoes.  They are always very encouraging of all the kids, no matter their abilities.

The event was this Saturday, and the weather was perfect.  Dylan, Zachary and Lily participated this year, and both my parents and Jen's parents came to cheer on their Grandkids.  I was never an athlete in school, but I considered joining the track team, and I think I would have enjoyed it.  Jen was taking pictures, and I was supposed to be watching Ben.  At one point in the first competition (Zachary's long jump) I got so involved in cheering for Zachary and Blake (our Pastor's son), that I lost Benny.  There was a moment of panic until we spotted him climbing to the top of the bleachers.  Actually, Zachary spotted him and was yelling and pointing from the field, while waiting for his turn to jump.  Fortunately, the bleachers were enclosed by fencing, but there was still plenty of opportunity for a kid like Benny to get hurt.  That was my "wake up call"... I didn't lose Benny any more, when he was in my charge!

Zachary measured 9'-5" in the long jump, earning him the silver medal, just 3" short of gold.

Lily took the bronze medal in the standing jump.

This was Lily's first year to participate.

Zachary won the gold medal in the obstacle course.

Lily ran the 50M for a silver medal.

This was Dylan's last year to participate and he had a rough and disappointing day.  He signed up to run the 50M, the 100M and the 200M.  He ran the 50M first and pulled a muscle in his upper thigh just short of the finish line.  He was solidly in 2nd place when he pulled the muscle, but limped across the finish line in last place (4th), just seconds away from 3rd.  He limped off the track with a few tears in his eyes, in quite a bit of pain and disappointment, knowing he was out of the competition for the day.  He sat in the stands and watched as the other boys ran the 100M and 200M.

Zachary's third event was the 100M, earning him another silver medal.

 

If you look in the background of this photo, you'll see that Benny was not going to miss out on the running action.  He was getting restless, so Jen's Dad took him out to play on the other side of the field, during the last of the awards ceremony.  At this point, he got away, and ran for freedom across the field.  Here you see him ahead of my Father-In-Law, and about to be cut off by Zachary.

Jen's parent's treated us to lunch at Arby's afterwards and I came home and spent the afternoon working on the final trim needed for the living room to be ready for the soon-to-be-installed carpet.  I knocked off at dinner time.  After dinner, Benny and I took a nice walk to a local park to play and to scout a possible geocache hiding spot.

Early that evening, I casually mentioned that it looked like a good night for sleeping in the tent. I wasn't really serious about doing it, but Zachary latched onto that and really wanted to. Jen wisely reminded me that I shouldn't "put it out there" if I wasn't serious. She was right, so I grabbed the 8 x10 (we own four different tents of various sizes), which goes up quickly. We popped it up in the backyard, grabbed some sleeping pads and bags, and built a backyard fire. After all this, I checked the forecast... mid 40's for the low. Chilly, but the mummy bags can handle that. The last time we tried to camp with Benny, he didn't do so well with sleeping in the tent. Jen suggested that I include him in our "guys night" to see how he would do. I didn't think he'd like a mummy bag, so I put him in a kid-sized rectangular, in his footed fleece sleeper and a fleece hat, with an extra blanket over him. He slept solidly until about 5 AM, when he woke up toasty warm, but wanting Mama. I could have probably got him back to sleep, but he was making a rucus and I didn't want to wake the neighbors, so we all four just grabbed our pillows and went to the house for the last few hours of the morning.

It was one of those Saturdays when it was a good day to be a Dad!

another happy birthday

This is one of those short snippets of life that I never want to forget. 

I've mentioned before that my youngest, Benny (age 3 1/2), is developmentally delayed, and although growing, his verbal skills and vocabulary are behind most kids his age.  One big example is vocabulary to express emotions.  As previously written here and here, he knows what "I'm sad" feels like, but he communicates it, "I sorry".  He also knows what "I'm happy" feels like, but he communicates it, "happy birthday!"

This weekend, Jen was away with her Mom on a women's retreat with her Mom's church.  I was in charge... which means I put aside many of the projects that often distract me, and focused on just being a Dad a little more than I usually do. 

Saturday was unseasonably warm in northeast Ohio... like 70-degree-range-two-months-earlier-than-normal warm!  Saturday evening, I got the fire pit out of the shed and set it up for the first backyard fire of the season.  I was sitting around the fire with all the kids, with Benny cuddling on my lap (the ONLY safe place for Benny to be when a fire is burning!)

Benny looked up at me and sweetly asked, "Dad... this a happy birthday?"

Yes, Benny, not by the calendar, but the moment feels a lot like a happy birthday to me!

Father's Day 2011

Today is the day America designates to honor the role of fatherhood.  As a man, I am the generation that currently occupies the "sweet spot", in that I can celebrate fatherhood with generations in both directions.

This morning, as I took my family to church, I reflected upon the importance of my role as a father, and just how fortunate I am to be trusted with fathering these four young lives.  This afternoon, my immediate family of twelve people, spanning three generations and three households, gathered at a mutually convenient state park for a Father's Day picnic.  It was a good day to be both a father and a son.

A father, his sons, his grandsons and granddaughters

My Dad

Cousins

Ornery

Dylan is happiest with a line in the water

Cousins

"Awwwww, pup-peeee"

Benny was drawn to this adorable puppy at the neighboring picnic group.  Makes me want to get the boy a puppy... but, with 4 kids, who needs another living thing to care for?

My brother brought his canoe

Lily's first ever canoe ride

Dylan got promoted from kids seats in the center, to front seat with a paddle!

Daughters-In-Law

Benny Jay

needed. heeded?

I suppose the early forties are considered the prime of one's life.  For me, though, they have been less than prime, and fraught with difficulties... both those of my own making and those completely out of my control.  Difficulties (which are not the focus of this post) have a way of becoming consuming, distracting, and priority-wrecking.  Quite honestly, I feel as though this period of life resembles the plate-twirling circus act.  There are many days when I feel that I can't deliver all that is demanded of me, and I am struggling to stretch myself thin enough to keep all my plates turning.

But, the US Government, of all people, sent me a larger-than-life priority reminder.  I see it every time I approach my workplace.  I notice it most often when I take a lunchtime walk, because I have more time to focus on it.  In fact, it was on one such walk (while mulling over everything facing me in the coming week) that I first noticed it... I looked up and it was like someone smacked me with it.  The reminder is in the form of the following message, plastered on a huge roadside billboard, right next to my place of employment:

I often feel that I don't have the energy to be a Dad to four kids.  Dad, can you fix this?  Dad, can we do something?  Dad, can you help me with this?  Dad... Dad... Dad... and all too soon they will grow up.  I already look at my ten year-old and wonder where ten years went.  Just yesterday, it seems, he was the size of my two year-old, and now I am buying him deodorant and he's asking me to check out his fuzzy start of a pre-pubescent moustache.

The provider in me knows that there are many priority "fixes" that I am struggling to handle... and they are legitimately very high priorities, and cannot be ignored.  But, the father in me knows that to "take time to be a dad today" also needs to be of utmost priority.  Unfortunately, the dad role is sometimes the easiest to brush aside.  I hope and pray that something "gives" soon, and I can have a little more room to breathe and focus on the dad role, but the current challenge is to give my best balance to all my priorities in the midst of an imperfect situation.

The reminder is definitely needed.  The question to myself (and rhetorically to you, if it applies)... will it be heeded?