better?

I didn't really think about this until after the fact, but I realized this week that I think I might be a little better.  Let me explain...

I've shared a number of times in this blog that most of my forth decade has been fraught with hardships and discouragements.  Not that there haven't been some good times mixed in, but I feel like I've been through the wringer with finances, employment, home remodeling, a child with disabilities... and the one I've mostly kept to myself until recently, a failing marriage and impending divorce.

The effect of all this has been to drive this introvert further into a years-long shell of solitude... and depression.  I have had to push through, because I am currently the sole provider and I have five other people counting on me to provide.  But, getting through a typical day-- or week-- left me with very little emotional energy.  What I did have left often went to my kids, leaving me tapped out.  I mostly turned down social invitations and rarely visited anyone... even my immediate family.  I just didn't have the emotional energy.

Part of the social invitation hangup was that I really hate phony.  My marriage has been the equivalent of being in a coma, but kept on life support, for multiple years.  But very few knew.  I don't like feeling like I have to pretend to be the happy family facebook made us look like.  But it didn't seem right to "go public" with some of the painful elements of my life.  So, I carried secrets and struggled with non-clinical depression for a long time.

Though I may have made more than my share of mistakes as a husband and father, I can honestly say that I have lived most of my adult life for my wife and children.  Prior to and throughout my marriage, nearly everything I did-- even the mistakes-- were for the good (or what I thought to be the good) of my family or future family.  My lifestyle bears witness of this.  If you walk though my home and garage, you won't find the trappings of expensive toys and hobbies.  You'll find a modest lifetime collection of backpacking and hiking gear, a low end GPS for geocaching, a 30 year-old mountain bike, and a base model kayak.  That is pretty much the extent of my "man hobbies".  My family is my hobby, and as much as possible, I try to incorporate them into what little bit of "man hobbies" I have.

I don't say this to pat myself on the back, but rather to illustrate that the prospect of losing a spouse (even of a mediocre marriage) and "half" of the lives of my children is a huge blow to this family man.  Being in a "holding pattern" has it's advantages, like still seeing my kids every day.  But, it also has it's struggles, like not being able to rebuild a new life after a failed marriage.  It just leaves you stuck.

And, for me, that has been stuck in a dark, depressing emotional hole... my shell of solitude and depression.  It's not a healthy place to be.  Then again, neither is it healthy for an introvert to be forcing himself into a world of phony.

But, I think I might be a little better.

I still don't want to be a divorced dad.  I still don't want to have my family fractured and 18 years of my life and family divided up.  I still don't want to start a new life at age fifty.  However, I think I'm somewhat coming to terms with it.  I realize it's still going to get worse-- likely a lot worse-- before it gets better.  Divorce is hell.  But, you can't make someone love you that doesn't or won't.  You can't make someone forgive, or whatever it is they need to do to give marriage another chance.  You can fight for them, believe in them, give them time and grace.  You can self examine, self loathe, and self improve.  At some point, though, you have to look in the mirror and admit to yourself that you have left no stone unturned to save your marriage, but you can't right the ship.  It's taking on water faster than you can bail, and there's nothing you can do about it... it's goin' down.

But, while looking in that mirror, I'm starting to like what I see.  I'm still far from perfect, but I'm getting more comfortable hanging out with myself.  My family is still of utmost importance to me, but I'm becoming more of an individual.  I can enjoy a balance of being with them and solitude... a healthy solitude.  I was hesitant to "come out" on my blog about my marriage, but it has given me more freedom to be real.

And, you know what?

All of this "coming to terms" has allowed me to poke my head ever so slightly out of my shell of solitude and depression.

And, that brings me to this week's reflections...

This past Saturday was my extended family's twenty-somethingth  annual chili cook-off.  It is an excuse to get together with aunts, uncles and cousins in the dead of winter.  Folks bring a pot of chili and a few sides and we vote on the best chili and then sit around and eat and visit the rest of the day.

And... I went.

Chili contestants:  Uncle Charles, Marge, Dad, Laurel (my SIL), me

I planned food to share and went grocery shopping earlier in the week.  I made [losing] chili and baked homemade chocolate chip cookies to share.  I bought a bin of pretzel rods that I knew Benny would exist on for the day.  I packed toys to keep Benny occupied.  I packed swimsuits and towels for the rented cabin's hot tub.  I packed it all in the van and took four kids for the day.  I did it pretty much as a single dad would.

And, it was a bit exhausting.

But, I did it.

I'm not bragging.  I'm also not saying it's going to be my new norm... I am and will always be an introvert.  Nor am I saying that I am done with my shell of solitude and depression.

But, I'm kinda proud of myself.  And... I think I might be a little... better!

snowshoe CVNP

I haven't seen the grass since early to mid-January, and February has been unseasonably cold.  I have been indoors a lot and cabin fever may be setting in... I need some outdoor recreation!

Yesterday was warmer... I think it hit 20 degrees, but it was snowy and blustery.  I stayed in the warmth of the house.  Last night, I played a game of Risk with Dylan and Zachary that went into the morning hours and I made a premeditated decision to take a snow day from church.  I did just that and when I awoke, I lingered in the warm bed and checked a few things on my phone before bursting forth from my cozy cocoon of flannel sheets and fleece blankets.  And, that is when I formed my plan for the day.

On facebook, I noticed a post that the Winter Sports Center at Kendall Lake in the Cuyahoga Valley National Park (CVNP) was open today and renting cross county skis ($15) and snowshoes ($5).  I have never snowshoed, but, being a lover of hiking, I have wanted to try it.

Yesterday's snowfall was mostly cleared from the roads, but still clinging in trees and sparkling like diamonds in the sunshine.  The 20+ degree temps made it the perfect day for a cabin fever antidote.  I checked with Jen to make sure my outing would not interfere with any other activities and then offered to take with me anyone in my house over the age of twelve and under the age of thirty-something (hey, somebody had to keep the littles), but, the two that fit that age category were not yet ready to burst forth from their cocoons.

So, I grabbed a backpack with some snacks, water and a variety of interchangeable layered clothing and headed out, getting on the trail a little before noon.

Winter is a fun time to be on trails, but snow can make it difficult.  If there is much depth to the snow, it can be exhausting if a trail in not broken and packed.  If a trail is broken and packed, it can be slippery and uneven.  Being the frugal person that I am, my winter hiking has always consisted of just wearing only the boots I already own (well, and clothes... I don't hike in JUST my boots...), but there are a number of other solutions... such as special boots designed for winter, studded crampons to fit over boots, snowshoes and cross-country skis.

Surprisingly, with a nearly all day snowfall yesterday, by noon the hiking trails in the Valley were mostly all broken and packed.  Technically, I wouldn't have needed snowshoes, but I did some experimenting with and without them, and even on the mostly packed trails, the snowshoes were an asset.  I also made sure to do some snowshoeing where there was no trail at all, just to see what these things could do.  I found them to still be tiring in untouched snow, but not nearly as tiring as when I walk in unbroken snow with just my hiking boots.

Lake Trail - 1 mile (I did about 3/4 mile)

Salt Run Trail - 3 1/4 miles

Forest Point Trail - 1/2 mile

(plus about 1/4 mile in an open field with no broken trail)

I hiked the 3 different trails, for a total of just over 4.5 miles.  Not huge mileage, but with the added exertion of the snow, it was enough for me!  I enjoyed the snowshoes, but I'm not sure I enjoyed them enough to invest in a pair of my own.  In fact, I was a little disappointed.  Before I had finished my 4.5 miles, my feet and ankles were starting to hurt.  The snowshoe bindings allowed flex and pivot of the foot front to back, allowing easy uphills, but there was no side-to-side roll.  When I walk, my gait is to land slightly on the outside of my foot (supination) and roll to neutral.  I think this is a typical gait.  But, I found that the snowshoes forced me into a continual neutral position, without the slight supination that is natural.  Added to that is a slightly wider than normal gait, to compensate for the size of the new duck feet.  At first, it wasn't a problem, but I found that the longer I was on them, the more I wanted off of them.  I'm not saying I wouldn't do it again.  Nor am I saying that I wouldn't want to own a pair if I picked up a good used set at great yard sale prices.  But, I was hoping that it would be a great winter hiking solution and it left me just a little disappointed.

Still... it was a beautiful and peaceful day to be in the woods, and I can cross snowshoeing off the bucket list!

overall logic

Benny's creative communication logic is sometimes a little difficult to follow.  But, I love that he loves to communicate, and that he is often not daunted if he does not know exactly the right words. 

We got our first significant snowfall of the season Tuesday night and into Wednesday morning.  All the kids were home on Wednesday to start the Thanksgiving break.  Anyone who knows Benny knows that he is a major outdoor lover. It is never really too hot or too cold. He just likes to be outdoors.  So, he was very excited when Jen sent Lily upstairs to get dressed in her snow gear. 

He excitedly asked Jen, "you find my farmers, Mom?"

"Farmers?", Jen asked.

He persisted, "you find my farmers, Mom?"

She didn't figure out what his "farmers" were until she pulled out some snow pants (that he had not seen since last winter) to get him dressed.

"My farmers!"

He was very excited about his "farmers" because, to him, they represented the key to getting outside in the snow.

So, for a priceless glimpse into the mind of Benny, here is what we figured out to be the logic behind his "farmers":

Do you see his overall logic? 

of witches and slugs

I enjoy living in a region of the country where the four seasons are very distinctly diverse, and I love to hike in all of the four seasons.  Although it takes more motivation to get out in the cold and hit the trail in the dead of winter, it can be one of the best times.  Think about it:  The woods are very peaceful, the trails are virtually abandoned, you can see so much more without leaves on the trees, the weeds and underbrush are sparse, and bugs are non-existent.  On the right winter day, the cold is actually refreshing and, if dressed in the proper layers, the body heat you generate makes an afternoon on the trail very comfortable.  Today was one such day.

I hadn't planned to go hiking today.  The thought really hadn't even occurred to me.  But, it was a beautiful sunny day in Ohio, and Zachary asked to go hiking.  I checked the forecast:  Sunny, with a high of 27 degrees (F).  Cold, but with no wind chill, not bad.  Of all my kids, Zachary is generally my best hiking buddy, so I hated to discourage him from joining me in an afternoon of my favorite activity.  Dress warm, Zachary... a hiking we will go!

Zachary, my best hiking buddy.

While we were on the trail, Zachary commented, "I've been sitting around the house playing video games for days.  I wanted to get out here with you, so I won't be a slug when I go back to school tomorrow."  I can't argue with that, Zachary!

Hiking is my drug!

We found this cool stream cascade that we had never seen before.

Icicles on the rocks by the flowing stream.

Green ferns growing on rocks in the dead of winter.

I am always in awe of trees growing on the side of rocks such as these.

We discovered this huge hollow tree trunk.

Zachary discovered this uprooted tree with a hole through the upended earth and roots.

This used to be a road before the state took this land for a State Park.  Now it is the main artery through a snowmobile/mountain bike trail system.

Zachary enjoys discovering the foundations of old buildings when we are hiking.  He was excited when our hike led us here... that is, until I told him... the story.  He asked me why there was a bunch of candles and wax on the stones of this old foundation.  That's because, Zachary, it's supposedly not a foundation... but a gravesite!  Its after dark popularity is pretty well-known among local ghost hunters, teenage thrill-seekers, and would-be devil worshippers... hence the evidence of the candles.  Known as "Witch's Grave", this is the site of a well-known local legend.  Although not acknowledged or publicized by the State Park, popular legend says that these woods are haunted by the ghost of a female who was accused by locals of being a witch.  The story maintains that they killed her and that she was buried at this very plot (before the State Park owned the land).  Many locals claim to have seen a ghostly female figure in these woods.  We didn't see her today (not that I wanted to!), but there is a stone within these stone walls that is very indicitive of the base of a headstone.  The actual headstone is busted off and missing.  I suspect, as I told Zachary, that this is just an old family burial plot... but then again... I prefer to get out of these woods well before dark!

snow 2010

We woke up this morning to a beautiful blanket of fresh snow... about 14 inches. I took a few photos before the pristine beauty was spoiled by shovels and snow blowers.

Benny in the sidewalk

Yes, Zachary is standing up. It is a little bit artificially deep here because the plows and the snow blower made a mound at the end of the driveway.

So deep, Lily can barely walk in the yard.

It was fun until his glove fell off!

"real" snow

We had our first "real" snow of the season last night and today. We have had a few snowfalls that covered the grass, but we got 10-12 inches this time. . . enough to justify running the "Snow Boss". . . twice!

A good snowfall is a funny thing. I have noticed how it actually brings neighbors together. From about November through April, we rarely see many people in the neighborhood, let alone talk to them. But, when a good snowfall hits, especially when we wake up to it on a Saturday morning, many of us get outside to clean up and we talk to each other, sometimes more than we do in the summer. We grab shovels and help each other; we lean on shovel handles and talk about the weather, speculate how much more we might get, catch up with each other's news, or swap winter driving stories. We clean the walks of elder neighbors, and those with snowblowers, that have been dormant for months, are almost competing to get to do each other's walks or driveways. Sometimes, we even clean driveways of neighbors we don't particularly like!

For my southern friends, here are some pictures to enjoy. Know that we northerners are sometimes jealous of your mild winters. But, know, too, that we sometimes revel in this stuff, and may even feel sorry for you, at times, that you don't get to experience the pristine beauty of new-fallen snow, the fun of digging out, or the thrill of white-knuckle driving!

We woke up to about 8 inches this morning, but it continued snowing into the afternoon.

...ahh, to be a kid again! Lily, the southern China girl, has toughened up to our northern winter. She was always cold in about September, but now she generally takes the cold in stride.

The "Snow Boss"

Southern China meets snow!

Winter came a little early to our neck of the woods. As far as we know, Lily, being from southern China, has never seen snow. She didn't have much of a reaction to it. She has experienced so many new and different things in the last four months (wow! has it really been four months already?), it's just another part of this new adventure with these new people who talk funny! The boys are always excited to show her new things, like they are "old pros".

This past weekend was our second hayride of the year. This one was at the farm of one of our church family and was an outing for the kids of Pioneer Clubs. Ben didn't make it on the other hayride, but this was his first.

Ben hanging out

Here's one I like... Dylan holding baby brother AND reading a book. How cool is that?

And, finally, Lily modeling more clothes before church. She loves dressing up in pretty clothes.