closed

I'm not sure what qualifications are needed to call oneself a writer, but I take the liberty of wearing that label.  I am a writer.  Though I'm sure some posts are too long and wordy, and I'm sure there are a few flaws of grammar woven through my self-edited and self-published ramblings, I have been recording thoughts and events on this small piece of internet real estate for a few weeks short of a decade.  And, a few folks have even read what I wrote.  I think that qualifies.

A decade, though...

Backside of Forty is just a few weeks shy of ten years old and I'm now on the backside of FIFTY.  Little did I know when I titled this blog just how significant the title and life on the backside of forty would become.

I came into age forty with a wife and two kids I loved, a fulfilling job I liked, a daughter in China that I would soon bring home, and a "surprise" baby on the way.  It was a little scary, but exciting!  I felt like I knew where my life was going and I liked its direction.  All seemed right and my forecast was for good years ahead.

The reality, though, is that my forties very quickly took a pretty dark turn.  Like... ten years of dark turns.  Oh, there were plenty of good times.  Heck, I'd go so far as to say there were plenty of great times.  I'm really glad that I recorded so many of them here through the decade.  But life-- real life-- underlying those good times was pretty dark.

My forties greeted me with national economic uncertainty that claimed my job as it took down the architectural company that employed me, and continued to cut a wide gaping gash across the entire American housing market.  I scrambled to find another way to support my family that had just leapt from four to six, and spent the next several years struggling through the employment world and grasping just to try to replace the income I lost, even though I worked diligently.

Some blog posts touched on this, but mostly I struggled privately.

Just a few years into my forties, my marriage came unglued.  Much of the eight-ish year struggle and pain of ending what had been built was a private struggle that only became somewhat public in the last few years.  Divorce was not something I initially wanted, but as the years of struggle unfolded, I conceded, then came to finally desire that outcome.

Some blog posts touched on this, but mostly I struggled privately.

My fourth (and final) baby, born as I entered my forties, quickly began to show signs of developmental delay.  This lead to questions and exploration, only to discover a rare genetic disorder and the reality that my son's development and future will look very different than most other kids.  My heart often breaks for this one, as I watch him struggle to learn the alphabet, or to count past ten.  My dreams for him are the things taken for granted with many kids... reading, writing, independence...

Some blog posts touched on this, but mostly I struggled privately.

As my forties continued to unfold, parenting became increasingly more difficult.  Sure, kids were moving into teenage years and hurling toward adulthood... difficult is a given.  But, the home dynamics changed pretty dramatically.  Worldviews changed and shifted.  The spiritual and conservative family foundation became somewhat eroded.  Parenting my kids began to feel more like a competition and the rules that applied depended on which parent was home.  This had to be hell for kids (I'm sorry, guys).  I witnessed many parenting casualties that were painful to me.  I now rarely see or talk to my firstborn.  I assume this is his reaction to a protracted family unit death that consumed the entirety of his adolescence.  Still, it hurts.  It's a wound I hope someday heals.  I've watched my older kids decide my faith is not their faith and decide other influences speak more loudly to them.  I hope they will one day choose to walk with God, but statistically, I acknowledge that it is not extremely probable.

Some blog posts touched on this, but mostly I struggled privately.

As I moved past my mid forties and toward my late forties, the writing of this blog became more difficult. Fun posts were starting to look and sound similar after multiple OBX trips, backpacking outings, bike rides, and Kennywood days.  The reflections and thoughts on life that I tried to mix throughout to give the blog deeper substance became darker... more personal... and, therefore, largely unwritten.  Much of what I wanted to write (because writing is cathartic) became too personal for public consumption.  Much of the fulfillment this blog provided me ground to a halt as I felt stifled and restricted as a writer.  I often stared at a cursor flashing on a blank page with thoughts in my head that I wanted to spill out and publish, but the cursor continued to flash, acknowledging that the thoughts were not Backside of Forty appropriate.

I assumed that writing would get easier once my divorce was finally final.  I anticipated then being able to write about living through some of the experiences of a long marital decline and the transition from married to divorced.  

But then I crossed that threshold... ironically, as I also crossed the threshold of fifty.  And, I found that I don't want to.  I don't want to write much about the past.  I don't want to dwell in the past.  I am now on the backside of a new decade... the backside of fifty... and I really just hope to leave all that baggage in the forties.  Maybe I'll write about it someday.  Maybe I'll write about it somewhere.  But not here.  Not now.  This is not the time nor place.

I think it is just relative coincidence that major life shifts have coincided with decade milestones in my life.  Nonetheless, the fifth decade brings a new life phase and major life turns.  Single at fifty is not the life I would have chosen for myself, but I face it with optimism.  I can't undo all the damage of the past decade, but I can try to heal much of it, and my life is kinda mine to rebuild.  The past is still written (figuratively, and somewhat literally) but a new chapter is mine to write and the cursor is flashing on a blank page.  

And, that imagery tells me it is time to close Backside of Forty.  I don't ever anticipate removing it from the internet.  I want it there for my kids.  But, I don't want to write here anymore.  The symbolism of the title has become a significant reminder to me to try to leave the baggage back there and move forward.  Perhaps closing the blog represents a form of personal closure.  

I feel like I will still write.  I'm not sure when, how often, or what that looks like.  It very well may be another blog that looks similar to this... it is what I know.  (No... I doubt that it will be titled, Backside of Fifty!)  It may be something completely different.  I dream of a book, but I haven't found it inside me yet.  It may be a platform with more anonymity.  It may be something as simple as a private journal.  It may be present day, or it may be unpacking some of the past.  I don't know.

At any rate, I am a writer, for I have written.  

And, to you, I say... thanks for reading... thanks for following... thanks for engaging.  But...

Sorry, We're Closed.

dad's memories

I recently added a new blog subject label* entitled "Dad's memories".  There are times in the lives of my kids, especially in their younger years, when they did or said something that made me smile, laugh, or that I find just plain cute.  Sadly, many, if not most, of these are forgotten.  Once in a while we may be reminded by stumbling across a certain photograph.  Or, perhaps it is something that is said or done frequently enough that it becomes a permanent family memory.  Mostly, though, they are just a moment in time, forgotten if not somehow preserved.  Some of them become facebook posts, but facebook, too, is somewhat forgetful of last week's statuses in favor of the latest, freshest newsfeed posts.

*If you pay any attention to the subject labels on my blog posts, you may notice that they are not just random labels. I try to keep the number of subject labels somewhat to a minimum, and I try to make the majority of the labels recurring themes in my blog. If you've never paid attention to them, notice that the subjects are all listed in the sidebar with the number of posts in each particular label. If you click a subject label of interest, the blog screen will display every post written with that subject label.

I'm pretty sure that blogs are better preservers of such moments... if the blogger takes the time to record them.  And, that is the thought behind "Dad's memories".  Some lengthy posts may be recorded under the "Dad's memories" label, but many have been, and will be, just short snapshot posts of a memory to preserve, scattered among other blog content... a photo with caption here, a few paragraphs there.  They are some of the moments in life that I never want to forget, but I will unless I am intentional in capturing them.

 

I'm finding many of these "snapshot moments" as I learn to parent a child with developmental disabilities. As parents, we often wish our kids would grow up, then mourn that they are growing up too fast.  Parenting a child with developmental disabilities tends to extend the childhood years and slow the pace of growing up. This can be both frustrating and beautiful. I try to focus on the beautiful as much as possible, and Benny brings joy to my life on a daily basis.  

If you have not walked a mile, or two, in the shoes of a parent of a child with developmental disabilities, you may not fully understand the myriad of emotions that are associated. Many of these "snapshot moments" with Benny are bittersweet. They are sweet because they make me (and others) smile or laugh. They make me fall in love with this boy all over again. They make me love his innocence, naivety and his sweet spirit. Yet they also make me grieve for him. I grieve because he does not always understand the world around him and that the world is full of wolves that would take advantage of and exploit his naivety. I know that he is likely destined to experience some hardship from others for the very same things that I love about him.  I want to protect him from all of that... but I won't always be able to.

I hesitate to publish some aspects of Benny publicly, for fear that the wrong people may read it, or that those who read may not understand, or that he will not appreciate it when he someday may read it for himself. Yet, when the hard days and the mean people come to try to shatter his innocence and take away his naivety... when the world tries to make him afraid to trust and engage his whole world, stranger or not, I want a record preserved of Benny's childhood and some of the small moments his Daddy celebrated him, and the moments he, sometimes unknowingly, brought joy into my life. I can't imagine my life without this kid and these daily moments of happiness. 

I love you Benny, and I thank you for giving me much inspiration for "Dad's memories"! 

backside of forty-FIVE?

Do you know what happened five years ago today?

Backside of Forty was launched.

The milestone, however, seems to fall a little flat in light of the fact that I haven't published since March. 

March.

This is August.  That's a long time for one who calls himself a blogger. I know I'm not the only blogger who has struggled with slumps and dry spells.  And, many, many blogs are begun and never endure anywhere near five years, so I am proud of the accomplishment.  But, still, the dryness is frustrating!

I have always attempted to publish a blend of life happenings and deep thoughts.  Lately, though, it seems that deep thoughts have been running pretty shallow.  And, it seems repetitive and uninteresting to continually publish just another vacation... another child's birthday... another band concert... do people really want to read that stuff year... after year... after year?

I have a number of "posts-in-progress" in queue.  They're stalled, and I can't seem to get them published, and many have become "stale".  There is always the option of finishing and retro-posting some of them to fill in the March to August slump and keep event memoirs in the proper chronology, but that doesn't solve the lack of deep thoughts and lack of motivation!

I have been pondering just what a stuck blogger-of-five-years does?  Quit?  Force himself to jump back in and write... something?  Launch a fresh, new blog with a different "personality"?  Hmmmm... I'm not sure.  I like Backside of Forty and I don't know what a different blog would look like or feel like, so perhaps I can find a second wind and go another five?

Then, would it be Backside of Fifty?  Nah... don't like the sound of that!

So, for all who have been with Backside of Forty for five years, or any part of five years, I say thank you for reading and thank you for the comments... bloggers LOVE comments.  Many of you who read are unknown to me, but thank you for making me feel like I have had something worth saying for five years.  One formerly unknown reader and fellow five-year-plus blogger has actually become one of my best friends over the life of BoF... how cool is that?  Maybe that is reason enough to attempt another five years?

I would love to hear from some of you for a five year check-in!  Assuming anyone is still out there after my several month slump, please leave a comment to let me know why you read or what type of posts you resonate with.

So, now to find that second wind...

show me where YOU blog

This blog post was prompted by The Father of Five, who occassionally stops by to read "Backside of Forty".  I'm not sure how he found me, but since the majority of the bloggers I follow are female, I enjoy popping in his world every now and then to read a manly blog for a change. 

His recent post, "Show me where YOU blog", sparked some curiosity.  He wrote:

Since “Best Bud Ed” was coming over to my house this morning, I cleaned up the “disaster area” that is USUALLY our computer desk. When I was done, I stepped back, gazed upon my workspace – and began wondering about everyone else’s.

Call it creepy, or a tad bit voyeuristic – but I often wonder what type of setting the creative minds behind many of the blogs I enjoy work in or at.

He posted a picture of his desk and asked other bloggers to post the place from which their blogs originate.

Interesting.  Or, am I also "a tad bit voyeuristic"?

Well, Father of Five, it's not much, but here it is:

I used to have an "office".  Now, I have kids.  Kids need rooms. 

I used to have a desk.  Now, I have a cart... in a corner. 

I tried to clean it, but decided to just post it "as is".  The area is usually cluttered with bills, notes, receipts, school papers/artwork, wife and daughter hair accessories, etc.  This is a corner of our "temporary-while-I-take-over-six-years-to-remodel-the-main-living-room" living room.  It will some day be a den.  We usually like to post outdoor pictures, because all the floors in the yet-to-be-remodeled side of our home are hideously ugly.  Some day I hope to have an office again, but bathrooms, kitchens, bedrooms and living rooms are higher on the priority list.

Incidently, I also have a laptop, but have been too lazy to get my network functioning.  I will someday get "out of the corner" and start blogging from the couch... or wherever.  But, for now, this is it.

So, fellow bloggers, will you show us where YOU blog?

shhhh...it's private!

One of the bloggers I follow, recently wrote a post about a topic that I thought was prudent: Privacy. Her post was reactive, because her privacy had already been breached. Fortunately, my post is proactive, so don't take it personal. It isn't directed at anyone in particular. Consider it an FYI, or a friendly reminder. I fully supported her view, and it was a good reminder to me, so I felt it was worth mentioning.

Privacy: each blogger has his or her own standard. Blogs can be completely private, and by invitation only; some are public, but not available to search engines; Some use no names or identifying information; Some use fictitious names; Some use first names only; Some use full names and identifying information. It all depends on what the blogger and his or her family is comfortable publishing on the Internet.

The standard of the blogger I spoke of is first-name-only. It seems, though, that other bloggers, who know her personally, were using her last name on their blogs, or in links back to her blog. Most likely it was innocently done, but the fact remains that this is a big blogging faux pas.

I cannot promise that I have never violated anyone's privacy, but I don't believe I have. Personally, I try to only use last names on my blog in these three situations:

1. You regularly use your last name on your own blog. For example, if your blog is titled, "The ______ Family Blog".
2. If I have the your permission to use your last name.
3. If I use it as a term of respect, whereby saying "Mr. _______" is the equivalent of using your first name, and the post is general enough that you are not identifiable to the general public.

Since I have a number of relatives and personal friends who are bloggers, or who respond with welcomed comments, please remember that I have a first-name-only standard for my blog. I also only identify my location with vague geographic references. Please remember to respect my standards of privacy (as well as all others of the blogging community) if you are to ever mention me or my family members in your blog, or when leaving comments on my blog.
Again, this hasn't been a problem, so this isn't directed "at" anyone. It is just a proactive and friendly reminder of some blogging etiquette... and, a reminder to myself, as well!

Welcome to "UNTITLED"

I'm glad you moved over to the new page with us. "Untitled" isn't the actual title, but I haven't decided what to call it yet. Perhaps you can help me with that.

My vision for this blog is not necessarily just posting pictures of the family vacation or a backyard birthday party, although that will definitely be a part of it. I find that as I "mature" (I use that term loosely!), that I tend to be more reflective. I have never been much for keeping a journal, but as I chronicled my recent trip to China, I found that it was very beneficial to record important thoughts and emotions. Much of this might have already been forgotten, or just foggy, were it not in print. So, my hope for keeping a blog is that it will be a collage of things meaningful to me. It will probably cover a variety of topics, including, but not limited to: family, marriage, kids, adoption, Christianity/Bible, budgeting/stewardship, camping/hiking, or anything else that interests me or I find myself pondering. Jen will also be making entries at times. Hopefully, you will enjoy reading along. Hopefully, you will not always agree with my viewpoint-- that would be boring!

I would encourage more use of the comment feature. I think a blog should be more of an exchange of thoughts. If a blog entry strikes a chord-- enter a quick comment. It's easy to do. Your comment may spark another blog entry. The exchange of ideas or thoughts almost becomes a dialog, but the beauty is that you can better think something through when writing it.

Actually, here is an opportunity to do just that. I described the format, but I am looking for title suggestions. If you have an idea for a fitting title, sound off and put it in a comment. I have a few in mind-- I may or may not use yours, but I'm interested to see what ideas come in. Have fun!