How's your car-acter?

I have recently heard it suggested that character is somewhat linked to the vehicle you drive. More specifically, the character of your parenting is proportionate to the vehicle in which you choose to transport your kids.

Hmmm... if that is true, then I wonder what this says about me and my older, high mileage car?

I've been devoid of blog fodder for months, and sometimes l just need to write something... if for no other reason than the exercise of writing. This post may be just an exercise in writing... or not.  You decide...

'Tis a tale of two cars...

One of the best guys I know drives himself and his children in an older, high mileage car similar to this:

This is a fella who has become a solid friend to me... alas, like a brother to me. He has helped pull me through some difficult times and listens with an unbiased ear... which is a rare and valued car-acter trait. This is a man who loves his kids and loves his wife.  He is respected by his employer, co-workers and friends. Despite his "questionable" choice in family vehicles, I'd vouch for him any day as a solid parent and a man of car-acter.

By contrast, one of the sleaziest guys I know drives himself and his children in a late model, low mileage car similar to this:

Obviously, by his choice in cars, he is a man of car-acter who values family and safety of the ones he loves, right? Of course, it also shows that he cares about the safety of his mistress, if he ever were to transport her (or them, whatever may be the case).  Wait? WHAT? Yeah, this is a man who used to be a friend until, during one of our last conversations, he admitted to secretly having a mistress to survive his miserable life (that outwardly appears artificially near-perfect). No... unfortunately, he wasn't joking. His advice to help me through some difficult times was to do the same... find a mistress to soothe the rough edges of life. Despite his "excellent" choice in family vehicles, I'd vouch for him any day as a fraud to his kids and a man of NO car-acter.

A tale of two cars... seems to suggest that character and quality parenting have little to do with the vehicle in which you drive your family and a lot more to do with how that vehicle factors into managing finances and supporting those you love. So, if anyone is going to judge character by what is parked in a garage, then have at it. I don't have time to worry about such things!  

Now, excuse me while I put a wrap on this blog fodder and locate a muffler shop... yeah, mine's about to fall off!

off track

While Saturday's outing at the Kiwanis Junior Olympics was a good day, I suspect it was a different kind of day for me than it was for a majority of parents.  It was so much more than just watching my kids compete in a few races.  Because of the delays and disabilities associated with Ben's IDIC 15, days like this can be very complex.

Benny spends a large part of his life somewhat in a protective bubble.  He attends a school specifically for children with developmental disabilities.  He rides busing exclusive to his school.  He takes numerous field trips with his school class.  In all of these contexts, he is understood and accepted.  When he attends Sunday School, he has a personal "buddy" who attends with him and looks out for him (a teenage girl who has made helping him in Sunday School her ministry).  And, other than that, he is mostly with a network of loving immediate and extended family members.

But, the Kiwanis Junior Olympics was NOT the Kiwanis Junior Special Olympics.  No... to let him participate in this was to throw him into the world of typical kids... and that's a little scary for this dad!  One thing that worries me in these contexts is the hidden nature of Ben's disabilities.  I think there is a tendency to be more accommodating to disabilities of a more visible nature.  But, visibly, Ben is assumed to be "typical".

When he found out that he was old enough to "run a race like Dylan and Zachary", he was really excited.  To deny him the opportunity would be the safe and protective thing, but it would have really disappointed him to watch his sister participate if he didn't get to.  So, the first question that had to be decided was whether or not he would be able to perform the tasks with little or no accommodation.

A week, or so, before the registration was due, we took him to "track practice"... just like Dylan and Zachary.  We went up to the school track on a Saturday evening and his older brothers were his coaches.  They explained starting, running through the finish line, staying in his lane... then we let him run some 25 and 50 meter sprints.  And... he did really good!  But, that was with five of us explaining, coaching, and helping... a benefit he would not have on the day of the olympics.  We felt, though, that he could handle it and signed him up.

Jen had class, so I took him to the event.  I debated disclosing his disabilities and asking if I could assist him, but no other parents would be on the track with their kids, and it may not have been well received.  Remember... hidden disabilities...

I decided to just let him jump into the big, bad typical world and I stayed off the track, just like all the other parents.  I did have the advantage of having his two older brothers working "inside" and some of their friends are acquainted with Benny, so I asked them to stick close when they could and look out for him... and maybe subtly ask some of their track teammates to do the same.

I have always been (and still am) a protective parent.  But, I don't think I'm in the category of "helicopter parent".  With Benny, though, that is debatable.  Saturday, I definitely approached it.  I stayed off the track and outside the fence when Benny was on the track, but I adjusted my position along the fence to mostly be in as close proximity to him as possible... allowing him to feel independent, but looking out for him.

It was a tough role.  Tough because of some of the things I witnessed that made my heart hurt for my son.

Fortunately, I think a lot of things go past Ben.  I'm not sure he absorbs all of the world around him.  At least not all the bad parts.  I  think he always expects good of people.  But, the world can be mean.  Kids can be mean.  Especially when they expect "typical" and they get a bit atypical.

A lot of typical seven year-olds do not make porpoise sounds.  But, my Benny makes the coolest porpoise sounds EVER!  It always makes me smile.  But reactions of other seven year-olds are not so endearing.  While waiting in the bullpen for his age group to race, he broke out in a chorus of porpoise sounds, to which another young man said, "you're stupid!"  I'm not sure if Benny registered it... I sure hope not.  But my heart broke.  In a fatherly way, I reminded the boy he shouldn't talk to other people like that... but I wanted to hang him by his toes until he could make porpoise noises as cool as Ben!

Ben is also not as spatially aware as most.  In another instance, he was waiting with a group of kids and spontaneously decided to do some leg stretches... like he's seen his older brothers do.  Without being aware of his surroundings, he suddenly crouched and threw a leg out behind him, tripping a boy that was walking nearby.  It looked a little deliberate, but I knew it was absolutely not.  The boy verbally challenged Benny... "Hey kid!  Why'd you trip me?"  I'm not even sure Ben knew that he did, and I'm not sure he registered that the kid was talking to him.  He just went about his business.  So... since I was "hovering" nearby, I helped out by telling the boy that it was an accident and telling Ben to apologize.... which he did, but I'm not sure he knew why.

Yet another instance I foresaw, but was not close enough to intervene.  They ran two heats of  the 50m in his age group.  They lined the first heat at the start, then lined up the second heat five or six feet behind the first, telling them to wait.  To my dismay, Ben was in the second heat.  I couldn't do anything, but I instantly knew that he would run with the first heat, because we explained to him to run as fast as he could when the gun fired.  Sure enough, the gun fired and off went heat one plus Benny.  An official chased him down and put him back in heat two and I feared that he would be confused and not run the second time.  Helicopter Dad was right... gun went off and he stood there because he didn't want to make a second mistake.  With a little prodding, he took off running as fast as he could.

I think all of these moments were harder on me than they were on him.  He appeared to be having a blast!  But, I can never tell how much of the world around him is impacting him, and I want to go ahead of him and smooth things out!

When it came time for the awards ceremony, I was, again, apprehensive for my son.  In every event, they gave medals for first through third places and ribbons for fourth through sixth places.  I wasn't sure whether he would win anything, and I wasn't sure if he would be crushed if he didn't or wouldn't really care.  I'm not a fan of participation trophies, at least not in the typical world... but I was really hoping my son would win something and I wasn't sure he would understand the whole concept of "not everyone can win".

I was pretty sure his best chance of winning a ribbon was the softball throw.  We signed him up for that because it is something he has been working on at physical therapy.  When they did the award, I had my camera at the ready and my fingers crossed.  Sixth... not Benny.  Fifth... not Benny.  Fourth... not Benny.  My daddy's heart hurt for my son, as I anticipated him working so hard and going home empty handed.  Third place medal goes to... Ben!  YES!  No ribbon, but he MEDALED!  I clapped.  I cheered.  I snapped a pic.

And, then I cried.

I'm not sure what the other parents thought, but I couldn't help it.  I sat in the stands and cried.  With some physical challenges... some mental challenges... some processing challenges... my son entered a contest of mostly typical kids to be like his big brothers... and he WON!

He also won a ribbon in one of his sprints.  Man, was that kid excited!  He couldn't see me wiping away tears because I was beaming at the same time.  About 8 or 10 times, he turned around to face me in the stands, held up his medal and ribbon and (with a huge smile) yelled, "I WON!"  Every time he did, I gave him a huge thumbs up and I wanted to stand up and tell the whole stands, "That's my boy... HE WON!"

Benny (center):  "I WON!"

I suspect for most parents it was just a fun outing for their kids to run a few races and maybe win an award.  For me, it was much more.  It was hard to witness some of the reactions of people who do not understand Benny.  And, it was really hard for this borderline helicopter special needs dad to stay "off track".  But, in this instance, the risk was worth it to see him overcome some challenges and proclaim to me (and the rest of the folks in the stands), "I WON!"

Yes, you won, Benny!  But, with or without ribbons and medals, you're always a winner to me!  And... if they gave medals for porpoise impressions... you're medal would be golden!  Love you kid!

better?

I didn't really think about this until after the fact, but I realized this week that I think I might be a little better.  Let me explain...

I've shared a number of times in this blog that most of my forth decade has been fraught with hardships and discouragements.  Not that there haven't been some good times mixed in, but I feel like I've been through the wringer with finances, employment, home remodeling, a child with disabilities... and the one I've mostly kept to myself until recently, a failing marriage and impending divorce.

The effect of all this has been to drive this introvert further into a years-long shell of solitude... and depression.  I have had to push through, because I am currently the sole provider and I have five other people counting on me to provide.  But, getting through a typical day-- or week-- left me with very little emotional energy.  What I did have left often went to my kids, leaving me tapped out.  I mostly turned down social invitations and rarely visited anyone... even my immediate family.  I just didn't have the emotional energy.

Part of the social invitation hangup was that I really hate phony.  My marriage has been the equivalent of being in a coma, but kept on life support, for multiple years.  But very few knew.  I don't like feeling like I have to pretend to be the happy family facebook made us look like.  But it didn't seem right to "go public" with some of the painful elements of my life.  So, I carried secrets and struggled with non-clinical depression for a long time.

Though I may have made more than my share of mistakes as a husband and father, I can honestly say that I have lived most of my adult life for my wife and children.  Prior to and throughout my marriage, nearly everything I did-- even the mistakes-- were for the good (or what I thought to be the good) of my family or future family.  My lifestyle bears witness of this.  If you walk though my home and garage, you won't find the trappings of expensive toys and hobbies.  You'll find a modest lifetime collection of backpacking and hiking gear, a low end GPS for geocaching, a 30 year-old mountain bike, and a base model kayak.  That is pretty much the extent of my "man hobbies".  My family is my hobby, and as much as possible, I try to incorporate them into what little bit of "man hobbies" I have.

I don't say this to pat myself on the back, but rather to illustrate that the prospect of losing a spouse (even of a mediocre marriage) and "half" of the lives of my children is a huge blow to this family man.  Being in a "holding pattern" has it's advantages, like still seeing my kids every day.  But, it also has it's struggles, like not being able to rebuild a new life after a failed marriage.  It just leaves you stuck.

And, for me, that has been stuck in a dark, depressing emotional hole... my shell of solitude and depression.  It's not a healthy place to be.  Then again, neither is it healthy for an introvert to be forcing himself into a world of phony.

But, I think I might be a little better.

I still don't want to be a divorced dad.  I still don't want to have my family fractured and 18 years of my life and family divided up.  I still don't want to start a new life at age fifty.  However, I think I'm somewhat coming to terms with it.  I realize it's still going to get worse-- likely a lot worse-- before it gets better.  Divorce is hell.  But, you can't make someone love you that doesn't or won't.  You can't make someone forgive, or whatever it is they need to do to give marriage another chance.  You can fight for them, believe in them, give them time and grace.  You can self examine, self loathe, and self improve.  At some point, though, you have to look in the mirror and admit to yourself that you have left no stone unturned to save your marriage, but you can't right the ship.  It's taking on water faster than you can bail, and there's nothing you can do about it... it's goin' down.

But, while looking in that mirror, I'm starting to like what I see.  I'm still far from perfect, but I'm getting more comfortable hanging out with myself.  My family is still of utmost importance to me, but I'm becoming more of an individual.  I can enjoy a balance of being with them and solitude... a healthy solitude.  I was hesitant to "come out" on my blog about my marriage, but it has given me more freedom to be real.

And, you know what?

All of this "coming to terms" has allowed me to poke my head ever so slightly out of my shell of solitude and depression.

And, that brings me to this week's reflections...

This past Saturday was my extended family's twenty-somethingth  annual chili cook-off.  It is an excuse to get together with aunts, uncles and cousins in the dead of winter.  Folks bring a pot of chili and a few sides and we vote on the best chili and then sit around and eat and visit the rest of the day.

And... I went.

Chili contestants:  Uncle Charles, Marge, Dad, Laurel (my SIL), me

I planned food to share and went grocery shopping earlier in the week.  I made [losing] chili and baked homemade chocolate chip cookies to share.  I bought a bin of pretzel rods that I knew Benny would exist on for the day.  I packed toys to keep Benny occupied.  I packed swimsuits and towels for the rented cabin's hot tub.  I packed it all in the van and took four kids for the day.  I did it pretty much as a single dad would.

And, it was a bit exhausting.

But, I did it.

I'm not bragging.  I'm also not saying it's going to be my new norm... I am and will always be an introvert.  Nor am I saying that I am done with my shell of solitude and depression.

But, I'm kinda proud of myself.  And... I think I might be a little... better!

what you are

"You can only make what you are", said the twenty-something missionary-to-be this morning, as she addressed the congregation about her upcoming two year assignment in Central Asia.  It was more of an offhand comment, not the main point of her talk.  In fact, if you ask her what she spoke about this morning, this quote may not even come up.

But, I heard it... and I didn't hear much after that.

You see, I had spent the morning being very frustrated with one of my four children, who shall remain nameless.  It is not new frustration.  In fact, it is recurring and I am not sure how to address and deal with it.

Not for lack of trying, though.  No... I'm trying to push and mold and make the behaviour into something better... something good and acceptable.

And, the words of this fresh young face in the pulpit, who is single and childless and had no idea she was addressing my parenting, stopped me in my tracks. 

Make.

I'm trying to make this child into something that is acceptable... but, what am I?  After all, I can only make what I am... wow!

I had to stop and really ponder that this afternoon.  Am I even qualified to try to mold this child's behaviour?  Am I the example this child needs to see?  Am I exhibiting and living the behaviour I am trying to get from this child?

Ouch!  If I'm honest, I have to admit some shortcomings...

I still need to address the behavior, but perhaps I need to put some of the energy I am expending outward and turn it inward.  Perhaps I need to work on what I am a little more, so I am better qualified to work on this child's behaviour.  Man, this parenting stuff is hard... can I get an "amen"?

To the twenty-something fresh-faced missionary to Central Asia:  Thank you for the parenting lesson!  I know you had no idea you spoke about parenting, but I found a valuable lesson in your words... make sure I am what I want my kids to be!

tune-up

A lot of advertisements have fast-talking disclaimers at the end.  Occasionally, my blog posts have disclaimers, as well, but I often prefer to put the disclaimer up front (or even throughout).  I do this because I sometimes write about a topic that resonates with me, but it it resonates not from the perspective of, "I've really hit the bulls-eye!", but rather, "I really am the bulls-eye!".  This is one such post.

That said, I am not trying to sound super spiritual or holier-than-thou.  I (as well as my entire family) have fought a lot of struggles, discouragement and depression in the past few years, related to multiple areas of life.  Such hardships can either strengthen or weaken a person's faith and relationship with God.  For me, unfortunately, I chose to react in such a way that has put distance between me and my God.  As unique individuals, it has effected the members of my family in differing ways, but I think we have all felt some form of spiritual distancing.

I can't/won't speak for the other members of my family, but in the past few months, I feel as though I have turned a corner.  I am starting to face some of the excuses that I used to justify the spiritual apathy, and beginning to work my way out of my spiritual slump.  Mind you, I have quite a bit of work to do, but I am beginning...

---

We enjoyed a quiet New Year's Eve at home to commemorate this year's changing of the calendar... there was some whining about "boring" (I won't mention names), but, after the busyness of Christmas, I personally found it a little refreshing to just enjoy a quiet evening at home with the family.  I, having a reputation of not liking games (I'm really working on that), actually tried a few times throughout the evening to drum up a family game at the new table in the well-lit and cozy new kitchen, but could get no takers.  Party poopers!

As it turned out, I am glad that New Year's Day fell on a Sunday this year.  We debated taking the day off from church, since it was a holiday and we let the kids (all except Benny) stay up past midnight on Saturday.  But, I decided, since we went to bed shortly after midnight and we'd still get a decent night's sleep, that I was going to start the new year in church, even if I went alone.  This would be where that not-sounding-super-spiritual disclaimer comes in... I didn't make the decision because I am Super-Christian, nor did I feel guilted into being there (like I sometimes have felt in the past).  No, I made the decision simply because I genuinely wanted to go... and that was a refreshing feeling!

Of course, I also made the decision that at least the three older kids were going to get up and go with me (without any complaining... if they wanted to stay up late on Saturday!), because I'm the Dad and I can "help" them make those decisions!  In the end, we all six got up and spent the first morning of the new year in church.

And, I'm really glad I did!  Pastor Steve delivered a fairly simple and straightforward sermon from Psalm 101, as a challenge for a new year.

Psalm 101 (NIV, 1984)
¹ I will sing of your love and justice;
to you, O LORD, I will sing praise.
² I will be careful to lead a blameless life—
when will you come to me?
I will walk in my house
with blameless heart.
³ I will set before my eyes
no vile thing.
The deeds of faithless men I hate;
they will not cling to me.
⁴ Men of perverse heart shall be far from me;
I will have nothing to do with evil.
⁵ Whoever slanders his neighbor in secret,
him will I put to silence;
whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart,
him will I not endure.
⁶ My eyes will be on the faithful in the land,
that they may dwell with me;
he whose walk is blameless
will minister to me.
⁷ No one who practices deceit
will dwell in my house;
no one who speaks falsely
will stand in my presence.
⁸ Every morning I will put to silence
all the wicked in the land;
I will cut off every evildoer
from the city of the LORD.

He hit my bulls-eye that morning.  I started the year with a sense of both encouragement and challenge.  He challenged me in a number of areas, but the idea of  "blameless" was the focus.  It wasn't a typical New Year's resolution-type message, but he used the scripture passage to present more of a life "tune-up" for the new year.

Three areas stood out to me:

1. Verse 2:  Will I walk in my house with a blameless heart?  He made a statement to the effect that (speaking generally to parents) it is your individual responsibility to lead your family in a spiritually healthy direction, even if your home is less than perfect, or even if your spouse does not.  Wow, my life and my home is far from perfect... far from "blameless", but I need to make a greater effort to help my family see the importance of spiritual foundations, even in the midst especially in the midst of a period of "storm damage". 
2. Verse 3:  What influences (positive or negative) am I allowing into my life and my home?  He challenged me to be a guardian of what I allow into my life and my home, largely through various forms of media... TV, movies, video games, internet, music, books, etc.  A big challenge and big responsibility!  As my kids get older, it is getting much more difficult to stay on top of what they are taking in.  I also need to be aware of the message that what they see and hear me "ingesting" sends to them.  This is not an area to practice legalism (which I think often happens) , but healthy balance and caution.
3. Verses 4-7:  What people will I let influence me and my family?  As an introvert, I am a man of few close friends, but I feel that I have done a pretty good job of picking my friends over the years.  I recently wrote about this in the post "kindergarten to cosmic".  Still, it's a good reminder that the best way to help my family learn to choose friendships with those who will be a positive influence in their life is for them to see me choosing "solid" friends... friends that could hang with me and my family, without worrying that they may have a negative influence!

Yeah, I've been running a little rough... I could sure use some spiritual "tuning up".  How about you?

do you really mean that?

I sell cars.  I meet people. 

I met a dad, today, that made me sad for his daughter. 

I didn't really have what they were looking for, so my time with them was brief.  The dad was helping his 18, or so, year-old daughter look for a used Jeep.  He told me he had a decent used Jeep that he wanted to give her, but it "wasn't good enough for her".  She proceeded to rapid-fire questions at me such as, "How much is that one?  How many miles on this one?", all the while insulting every used Jeep I had on the lot, for one reason or another.  To put it kindly, her personality was NOT very likable.

But, as they were leaving and the daughter was comfortably out of ear-shot, the dad turned to me and said, "Kids.  I wish I would've never had 'em.  I've got two kids and two dogs.  I wish I had four dogs."

I was speechless.

He walked toward his truck and left.

Wow.

I spent about ten minutes with the guy and he leaves me with that?  Where did that come from?  Do you really mean that?

I have no idea what life factors caused him to feel that way, and even though I didn't really like the daughter, I was very saddened by his comment.

Hey, Anonymous Dad on the Car Lot:  Your daughter deserves better than that!

the mouth of babes...

Dylan has been doing very well since he transitioned back to public school, following Christmas break. The biggest difficulty, though, is with his art teacher. He has art every Wednesday, and he goes to bed on Monday and Tuesday with a building sense of dread. He hasn't exactly had a problem with this teacher, he is just afraid of her. He says she's REALLY mean and impatient.

Last week, leading up to Wednesday, he prayed for a good art class and asked Jen and I to pray specifically for that. When Wednesday came, he had a good day because his teacher "was in a good mood". Again this week, he is following the same pattern, but he shared with me this evening that he feels the Lord has brought this into his life as a test. He felt that it was a test to see if he would trust God to help him in this situation. He told me that the Lord answered his prayer because his teacher was nice last week.

While I was really excited (and maybe a little surprised) about his mature perspective, I felt the need to redirect him slightly. I didn't want him to think that every time he prays, the trouble will be removed. Trying not to burst his bubble, I gently reminded him that God always answers our prayer, but he doesn't always answer it in the way that is the easiest, or most desirable. I told him that sometimes he might pray for art class and still have a rough day. He got it, and questioningly finished the thought for me... God might instead give him the strength to go through a difficult day?

Although I, the Dad, gently redirected my 8 year old son, he didn't realize that I learned the bigger lesson from the conversation. Although I have prayed about the difficulty of my unemployment, I'm not sure I view the trial through as mature eyes as my son viewed his trial. Oh, intellectually, I know all this, but, being the adult that I am, I tend to pray and then go try to make things happen in my own strength. My son, instead, prayed and then actually trusted the God of his prayers to help him "pass the test". Thank you Dylan, for reinforcing this powerful lesson.

As he asked me tonight at bedtime to pray for art class tomorrow, and asked me to also pray for him while he was at school tomorrow, the second lesson that was reinforced was the importance of diligently uplifting my kids in prayer. Oh, I pray for them, but not always as diligent as I should. I promised him that I would pray for him while he is at school, but I also made a mental note to take this particular aspect of fatherhood much more seriously. He's counting on me to be in his corner, and I want him to be able to confidently know that I've got his back and I'm supporting him with prayer.