better?

I didn't really think about this until after the fact, but I realized this week that I think I might be a little better.  Let me explain...

I've shared a number of times in this blog that most of my forth decade has been fraught with hardships and discouragements.  Not that there haven't been some good times mixed in, but I feel like I've been through the wringer with finances, employment, home remodeling, a child with disabilities... and the one I've mostly kept to myself until recently, a failing marriage and impending divorce.

The effect of all this has been to drive this introvert further into a years-long shell of solitude... and depression.  I have had to push through, because I am currently the sole provider and I have five other people counting on me to provide.  But, getting through a typical day-- or week-- left me with very little emotional energy.  What I did have left often went to my kids, leaving me tapped out.  I mostly turned down social invitations and rarely visited anyone... even my immediate family.  I just didn't have the emotional energy.

Part of the social invitation hangup was that I really hate phony.  My marriage has been the equivalent of being in a coma, but kept on life support, for multiple years.  But very few knew.  I don't like feeling like I have to pretend to be the happy family facebook made us look like.  But it didn't seem right to "go public" with some of the painful elements of my life.  So, I carried secrets and struggled with non-clinical depression for a long time.

Though I may have made more than my share of mistakes as a husband and father, I can honestly say that I have lived most of my adult life for my wife and children.  Prior to and throughout my marriage, nearly everything I did-- even the mistakes-- were for the good (or what I thought to be the good) of my family or future family.  My lifestyle bears witness of this.  If you walk though my home and garage, you won't find the trappings of expensive toys and hobbies.  You'll find a modest lifetime collection of backpacking and hiking gear, a low end GPS for geocaching, a 30 year-old mountain bike, and a base model kayak.  That is pretty much the extent of my "man hobbies".  My family is my hobby, and as much as possible, I try to incorporate them into what little bit of "man hobbies" I have.

I don't say this to pat myself on the back, but rather to illustrate that the prospect of losing a spouse (even of a mediocre marriage) and "half" of the lives of my children is a huge blow to this family man.  Being in a "holding pattern" has it's advantages, like still seeing my kids every day.  But, it also has it's struggles, like not being able to rebuild a new life after a failed marriage.  It just leaves you stuck.

And, for me, that has been stuck in a dark, depressing emotional hole... my shell of solitude and depression.  It's not a healthy place to be.  Then again, neither is it healthy for an introvert to be forcing himself into a world of phony.

But, I think I might be a little better.

I still don't want to be a divorced dad.  I still don't want to have my family fractured and 18 years of my life and family divided up.  I still don't want to start a new life at age fifty.  However, I think I'm somewhat coming to terms with it.  I realize it's still going to get worse-- likely a lot worse-- before it gets better.  Divorce is hell.  But, you can't make someone love you that doesn't or won't.  You can't make someone forgive, or whatever it is they need to do to give marriage another chance.  You can fight for them, believe in them, give them time and grace.  You can self examine, self loathe, and self improve.  At some point, though, you have to look in the mirror and admit to yourself that you have left no stone unturned to save your marriage, but you can't right the ship.  It's taking on water faster than you can bail, and there's nothing you can do about it... it's goin' down.

But, while looking in that mirror, I'm starting to like what I see.  I'm still far from perfect, but I'm getting more comfortable hanging out with myself.  My family is still of utmost importance to me, but I'm becoming more of an individual.  I can enjoy a balance of being with them and solitude... a healthy solitude.  I was hesitant to "come out" on my blog about my marriage, but it has given me more freedom to be real.

And, you know what?

All of this "coming to terms" has allowed me to poke my head ever so slightly out of my shell of solitude and depression.

And, that brings me to this week's reflections...

This past Saturday was my extended family's twenty-somethingth  annual chili cook-off.  It is an excuse to get together with aunts, uncles and cousins in the dead of winter.  Folks bring a pot of chili and a few sides and we vote on the best chili and then sit around and eat and visit the rest of the day.

And... I went.

Chili contestants:  Uncle Charles, Marge, Dad, Laurel (my SIL), me

I planned food to share and went grocery shopping earlier in the week.  I made [losing] chili and baked homemade chocolate chip cookies to share.  I bought a bin of pretzel rods that I knew Benny would exist on for the day.  I packed toys to keep Benny occupied.  I packed swimsuits and towels for the rented cabin's hot tub.  I packed it all in the van and took four kids for the day.  I did it pretty much as a single dad would.

And, it was a bit exhausting.

But, I did it.

I'm not bragging.  I'm also not saying it's going to be my new norm... I am and will always be an introvert.  Nor am I saying that I am done with my shell of solitude and depression.

But, I'm kinda proud of myself.  And... I think I might be a little... better!