A wedding happens when two starry-eyed lovers recite promise-laden words to one another.
But, a marriage happens when the same two folks spend a lifetime learning just what it was they promised.
Because I consider myself a self-proclaimed writer, I want to use this medium to clarify and solidify what 18 years has taught me about just what it was I promised.
Despite promises, our marriage has been slowly imploding for much of it's duration (see previous post, state of the union)... something to which we have each, in different ways, contributed. While we both may be able to find seemingly valid reasons for divorce (probably validated by our respective circles of influence), I want to publicly go on record that it has never been and is not my wish to do so. I have fought over the course of the last four to five years to defend my marriage and my family, without result. I write such statements at risk of sounding like a hero... I am not. For if I were, my marriage probably would not be in its present state. Perhaps I should have worked harder years ago. But, marriage is on-the-job training, and often when we finally figure out we suck at it, a lot of damage has been done... at least it appears to be the case for me.
Because I consider myself a self-proclaimed writer, I want to use this medium to clarify and solidify what 18 years has taught me about just what it was I promised.
Despite promises, our marriage has been slowly imploding for much of it's duration (see previous post, state of the union)... something to which we have each, in different ways, contributed. While we both may be able to find seemingly valid reasons for divorce (probably validated by our respective circles of influence), I want to publicly go on record that it has never been and is not my wish to do so. I have fought over the course of the last four to five years to defend my marriage and my family, without result. I write such statements at risk of sounding like a hero... I am not. For if I were, my marriage probably would not be in its present state. Perhaps I should have worked harder years ago. But, marriage is on-the-job training, and often when we finally figure out we suck at it, a lot of damage has been done... at least it appears to be the case for me.
My vows to my wife were of the traditional variety. They went something like this:
I, Jeff, take you Jennifer, to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part.
The truth is, it's not all about better, richer and health. Everyone wants these in a relationship. But, in every marriage there will be some amount of worse, poorer and sickness. Some more than others. How that is handled is often where the strength of a relationship is built.
Marriage is a series of choices. It starts with a choice to select just one person from a seemingly infinite number of people, and promise to stand by them for a lifetime, through all of life's ups and downs. Sometimes the ups and downs are from without the marriage-- life just throwing stuff at you-- but all too often the ups and downs are from within the marriage... hurts caused by our own human imperfections.
I am in no way excusing bad behavior or poor decisions with what I am about to say. On the contrary... I have attempted to own my errors (see slogan for life). But, here's the thing... we are human. Humans are imperfect. Marriage is two imperfect people coming together and trying to build a perfect union. For that to work, there has to be grace... a LOT of grace. And there's another choice. The choice to forgive (not excuse) imperfections. The choice to extend grace.
And rightly so. Our Creator, God, designed marriage to be a visual representation of His relationship with His creation. Christians represent the "bride" of Christ, but He created us with a free will. A will that allows poor choices. He doesn't excuse those poor choices, but he does extend grace when there is repentance of mistakes. For marriage to succeed, it must follow this example, though it is difficult, at times.
For me, the deal is this... I committed to stand by my bride through "better OR worse"... without even being able to imagine, at the time, what the worse may be. I was making a lifetime promise to an imperfect human for which fulfillment would require extending grace toward her (something I struggle with). And, being an imperfect human, myself, I would need a healthy amount of grace in return.
Casting Crowns voiced it well in their recent song, Broken Together...
What do you think about when you look at me
I know we're not the fairytale you dreamed we'd be
You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand
And we dove into a mystery
How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground, we've drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night?
It's going to take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds
Maybe you and I were never meant to be completeMaybe you and I were never meant to be complete. Could we just be broken together? Wow! That pretty well captures it, doesn't it?
Could we just be broken together?
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us?
The only way we'll last forever, is broken together
But, my bride is just the first layer. I see my vows extending beyond Jen. On my wedding day, I was also making unspoken vows to the future children who would be conceived and adopted within this union... four of them. Enshrined in my marriage vows were promises to Dylan... to Zachary... to Lily... and to Benny. Promises to provide them a secure, intact and permanent family to grow up in as children and come home to as adults; to provide an example of following through with commitments and not quitting even when life is hard, disappointing or nothing like it was envisioned; to be an example of an enduring marriage they can anchor to when their own future marriages may be adrift... an example like both my parents and my parents-in-law have provided. How one deals with the good, the bad and the ugly of marriage has enormous lessons for the young lives watching, and I owe it to them not to give up easily.
I didn't realize the full magnitude then, but my vows were huge. Speaking for myself, I have struggled in some ways to live up to them, but because I am heavily invested in these five lives as a result of my marriage vows, I believe my marriage and my family is worth fighting for. I can't just do what is good for me or what makes me happy, because "me" is now permanently grafted to them. I have to factor what is good and best for a me that extends to six, and I have to look beyond just the present conflict with a long-sighted view. I believe in vows; I believe in marriage; I believe in family; I believe in forever; and I believe in fixing what's broken rather than discarding it.
Even when feelings of love are virtually nonexistent, at the gut level love is a choice. I believe if two folks decide together to fight the fight for reconciliation-- to fight for each other more than they fight with each other-- then the feelings can be revived and a marriage rebuilt.
And, that's my current Treatise on Marriage. If divorce is my fate, and it appears it someday will be, then I will resign myself to accept it and do my best to rebuild my life. But, up to the moment of this writing, I maintain that I may have reason to consider it, but it is not my desire. This family is worth fighting for.
Author's note: Due to the sensitive nature of this post, please make no public comments. If you wish to comment, please do so privately directly on this blog, where they are moderated (in this case, read but not published). You may also use my email or facebook messenger, if you have access to those. Any public facebook comments will be deleted.
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